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Numbers 14:18 ‘I, the LORD, am not easily angered, and I show great love and faithfulness and forgive sin and rebellion. Yet I will not fail to punish children and grandchildren to the third and fourth generation for the sins of their parents.’

We are like our parents. We inherit their genes and we adopt their teachings, whether verbal or actions. We learn good things and bad, because all parents are imperfect people. So even good parents can unintentionally teach ways that are not God’s ways. As scripture says throughout the book of Kings “he walked in the way of his father” and had a similar fate. We are always to seek God and to know His ways and His teaching and His righteousness because all else falls short of the glory of God. We ought to learn from the mistakes of our parents. If I continue to do the same as my parents, then I’m going to have the same consequences and I’m going to teach my children those ways and they will continue the consequences. Especially when I know better. So I want to do better so my children won’t repeat it and endure the same consequences.

Luke 12:47-48 NASB1995[47] And that slave who knew his master’s will and did not get ready or act in accord with his will, will receive many lashes, [48] but the one who did not know it, and committed deeds worthy of a flogging, will receive but few. From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more.

As children grow into teenagers they see things in their parents they don’t like and don’t want to be like. As a wise man said “it’s not enough to know what we don’t want to do, we have to know what we will do instead.” So when I see my parent’s suffering under sin consequence, just as they can see me suffering under my sin consequenes- it’s my responsibility to do better. My parents modeled the Christian life for me. Expected me to do as I was taught. James 1:22 But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.

My mom later in life was convicted of focusing too much on her friends. She began confessing it to me. I in return confessed having that sin as well. My idolizing of friends and women in the church was learned from my mom. It goes unchecked because it doesn’t seem like a sin, but it is and God certainly wanted to sift it out of me. Afterall, He is a jealous God. Exodus 34:14 —for you shall not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God— This sin is easier to repent from in that there is one clear action: fix my eyes on Him Hebrews 12:2. “The only one worthy of my praise. For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; he is to be feared above all gods” Psalm 96:4 I think my mom developed this sin weakness because her mother was very outspoken, “social butterfly” somewhat unavailable as she liked to be at the beauty parlor and playing cards with her friends. So my mom often went wanting her attention. I can relate. My mom wanted to be accepted and included by her older, a prestigious and wealthy half sister by her mother. My grandmother was a war widow with a daughter when my grandfather married her. My mom was always clothed in strength and dignity. Our hearts ache for love and belonging. As humans we often seek that from the wrong places.

My mom had the spiritual gift of hospitality and she exercised it regularly. She used it all the way through to the end of her life. Even after she had Aphasia and while she lived in memory care. My dad’s spiritual gifts is not as apparent as my mom’s. I wish I could talk with him about it, but I would say he has the gift of faith. They both did. I think he had the gift of prophecy and discernment like me but didn’t like to exercise it. Probably for the same reason I don’t. Others will call you a know it all and minimize that I would have such a gift. It silences and silence makes the gifts unused, which is a sin. Our pastor would even say God will take away unused gifts. It’s like Moses when God wanted him to give His message to Pharoah. Moses said Exodus 4:1 Then Moses said, “What if they will not believe me or listen to what I say? For they may say, ‘The Lord has not appeared to you.’ ”

After my husband passed away people would wisely advise in passing to read Psalm such and such for continued strength and comfort. I couldn’t help but think “write it down. Did you write it down? You’ll forget. Write it down. ” -Pretty Woman I could barely remember anything especially not numbers. But, thankfully through the years of reading the Bible I have scriptures I’ve memorized and although I didn’t know it God brought Psalm 23 to my mind often.

‭Psalms 23:1-6 NKJV‬[1] The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. [2] He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. [3] He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. [4] Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. [5] You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. [6] Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.

I didn’t even realize those 6 verses were together in the 23rd chapter of Psalm. But they were what I was experiencing with God. God had separated me years earlier from any friends and he drew me close to him through the study of His word and utter dependence on Him. When my husband of 21 years and father to my two children suddenly died I just had to lean in to what I already knew about God and the support of His people.

When I was looking to move away from my hometown, I was looking at houses to buy with my realtor. I realized that one of the necessities of a home for me was that it had a place to put a table. I looked at brand new houses in my price range, but I didn’t want them because instead of there being room for a table there would just be a breakfast bar to eat at. I was stunned and appalled at the idea of eating dinner with my children at a bar and not gathered around the table. I didn’t even want to bring my large, 6 setter table that we had in our home and bought together one evening as a family of four at Kanes. I actually was in the process of selling it, instead of moving it again. Yet, a house was a NO for me if it didn’t even have space for a small 4 seater table. My realtor couldn’t believe it. Then, after deciding on a house that was just right for me I hired a construction company to put in a new kitchen to replace the terrible, tiny one that was there. The first thing the contractor said is I can make the kitchen bigger by expanding it with a breakfast bar into the area where the table goes. I almost cried. I’m like NO! I’ll have a smaller kitchen so that I still have room to put a table. No, I don’t have a table yet, I’m going to get a new one that matches my new home and kitchen. My old table was too big and would not have matched at all. He couldn’t believe that I would choose a smaller kitchen for a table. I explained I don’t want to eat with my children in a line. This article explains it perfectly.

“Of course, it’s not really about a physical table but what the time around a table represents. Too many people in our community are living isolated lives. They’re overwhelmed by life, but having too few meaningful conversations about things that matter. They are lacking a sense of connection and belonging. Too many people are like islands in an archipelago, alone and separated by the sea, while God designed us to be like branches of a tree, connected to one another by the trunk and fed by the roots, so we can thrive.The table is a symbol of family, community, and faithful presence. It’s a symbol of our deep desire to be known and be loved. It’s a symbol that we see throughout Scripture as a place where God dwells with and provides for his people. God sets a table for us and joins us around it.” – cfhome.org

Growing up my family of four ate dinner together. We would all hold hands and my dad would pray. I didn’t always like to eat, but I always liked being at the kitchen table with my family. Sometimes on the weekends we would eat at TV trays in front of the TV to watch something (technically still a table. ) My mom had the gift of hospitality and my dad loved that about her and encouraged her and enjoyed her gift of the spirit. So my parents often had dinner parties, gathered around the large table in the dining room with friends and enjoyed fellowship. My parents even turned the formal living room into a dining room so they could have a bigger table!

I remember one day I had made a dinner for my dad and we were sitting at their dining room table with my kids. My husband had passed and my mom was in memory care and we were talking about our plans for my kids and I to move in with him so we weren’t alone and we could help him. I told him we could get rid of his table and I would bring mine. He got all upset and once we talked through what he was upset about, he said he needed to have a table to eat with his family. I said dad. Of course you need a table to eat with your family. You said you like my table and chairs better than yours. He brighten and said I do! I’m just saying there isn’t enough room for both of our dining sets so we could use mine. He said ok. I see where I get my thing about tables! 🤦‍♀️😆

The table is the symbol of God providing, but also a place where he fellowships with us and invites us to come as an honored guest. A place where we can enjoy his goodness and abundance. Where it’s safe. It’s also in a position to where my enemies see God’s blessings for me. This is the table I want to sit at. My pastor would say that the only verse in the bible which gives reason for why God made us is:

‭Revelation 3:20 NASB1995‬
[20] Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.

I mean is there anything better than eating with someone you love?

‭‭Matthew 26:20 NASB1995‬
[20] Now when evening came, Jesus was reclining at the table with the twelve disciples.

‭Isaiah 21:5 NASB1995‬
[5] They set the table, they spread out the cloth, they eat, they drink; “Rise up, captains, oil the shields,”

I learned in my marriage God as the God who provides. As a child my dad was the provider. My mom also worked full-time. When I wanted something I usually asked my mom; both of my parents liked to give gifts and gave without any strings attached. I love the verse
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:11

when I started dating my husband. He liked to give flashy gifts. When we were engaged he bought me a car. I had a VW Jetta I’d had since I was 17. It had been struck by lightning one day and since then had a lot of electrical issues. The drivers seat was broken and it was 10 years old. I loved that car, but my husband decided he needed to buy me a new car and he would drive my Jetta. It seams nice because I was working downtown and driving on highways so the newer car would be more comfortable and safer. I didn’t ask for it and didn’t need him to but he went around telling everyone he bought me a car like he provided for me something I wasn’t able to get myself. It was a want not a need. It wasn’t providing it’s control. I wished I’d acknowledged that then. Its differen from God who provides supernaturally , not of our own strength, and as a blessing.

‭Psalms 78:24 NKJV‬
[24] Had rained down manna on them to eat, And given them of the bread of heaven.

I graduated with my Masters degree in 2006. I worked for a couple of years and then quit because my husband would make going to work a nightmare. He said working woman have affairs. His father uses the same means of control. Financial control keeps a woman from being able to leave. God used this abuse for good. I was able to spend so much time with my kids and I’m sure I wouldn’t have known God as Jahova Jirah. I would have thought it was of my own strength, talents and smarts. I needed to know God provides, because he was going to take my husband, the sole provider of our family after not working for 11 years at 43 years old and I would have to lean heavily on my first hand experience that my God provides.

In 2007 in FL the housing market collapsed and so did the construction industry. My husband’s business went from making a lot of money to none by the end of the year. Thankfully the home and property I had purchased 7 years earlier with inheritance money I had was something we both wanted to protect so any income we had went to home, fuel and food. God introduced himself as the God who provides. I would say to my kids that we live on God’s economy, because there would be no money, but somehow we always ate and we paid the Mortgage. I wasn’t always so trusting in God, but my husband’s focus was the business he ran out of the home and not the family surviving in the home. Several times I said “what are we supposed to eat? The tires?” God would remind me “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 6:26

After he died, people he’d worked with came flooding in wanting in on the business and offering to provide all kinds of business plans. But, all I could ask people was how am I going to get rid of all these tires? God provided. His friends came in and cleaned all of it up. I shut his business down. There was no other option. He actually said to do that one day when we were talking about if we died during covid. He was the heart and soul of of that business. It didn’t run without him. It couldn’t out live him and I certainly wasn’t going to put my neck on the line for someone who wasn’t my husband. I was glad to not have to be a slave to the business anymore. I would tell him your business is supposed to work for you. He had a victim hero mindset. Whichever one got him what he wanted in a given situation or with a person.

But for me if God doesn’t provide it, I don’t want it. I don’t want to hussel my way through life. I want to walk God’s path of blessing. I have seen and can testify that God provides. When there is no earthly reason we had money to eat and pay for our shelter that God provided in the firstplace. We could sit at our kitchen table as a family and eat a meal I cooked and he paid for. God provides more than just financial, but after my husband died and left huge debts from reckless spending and impulsive buying. I was able to settle those debts and be provided for without losing my neck. Jahova Jirah. The God who provides. He is enough. God forgive me for thinking you weren’t enough. You’re everything. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. [13] I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4.12-13

God as provider is fist mentioned in the bible when he provides a lamb for Abraham to sacrifice instead of his promised and beloved son Isaacs. Abraham obeyed God’s instructions and was willing to give his son back to God. As Jesus said

‭Luke 20:25 NKJV‬
[25] And He said to them, “Render therefore to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.”

God is good, faithful and just.

Sparrows by Cory Asbury

https://youtu.be/dqLWnoEKjsw?si=Vr4atOv2-zliqpFu

It’s not all relative.

There is absolute truth.

Truth is not fluid. There’s no my truth and your truth. “Truth is reality from God’s perspective.” – Joyce Myer The cliché “there’s his/her side, your side and then there is the truth.” Implies that no one tells the truth. I know I can have an accurate understanding of reality and can honestly recount what happened. The cliché also Implies there is a judge of what the truth actually is. The Bible actually sets this up and our justice system is based on it. The reason we need a judge to determine what the truth is not because no one tells the truth, but because there are liars. People who only care about furthering their agenda. Reality doesn’t matter. Truth is not valued by them. Only what they can convince others of to get what they want. They aren’t trying to problem solve. They don’t care about getting to the bottom/root of a matter. They aren’t interested in peace, cooperation, mediation. They just stay the course for what they want using anything and everything to be king of the hill. They don’t want justice they don’t want to be held accountable. They don’t take responsibility for their actions.

Satan has been twisting God’s word since before he got thrown down out of heaven. Jesus is the truth and Satan is the father of lies. Godless people are liars. ‭‭John 8:44 NASB1995‬‬ [44] You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

People are so easily deceived. Deceived by what tickles their ears. Deceived by permission to enjoy a sense of moral superiority. Deceived by thinking you are helping/saving the abuser playing the victim. We need to have wisdom and discernment because Satan is cunning Genesis 3:1. He appears as an angel of light. 2 Corinthians 11:14 You will know them by their fruits. Matthew 7:15-20 In sharing with you their woe of virtuous victimhood are they kind, patient, is it envious, boastful, is it keeping a record of wrongs, is it prideful, dishonoring to the other person, is self-seeking?

Is it even necessary to tell you if their goal/agenda is to resolve the problem? Are you really doing any justice by getting involved? Liars know that fools believe the first story they hear, so deceivers aggressively, intrusively, recklessly even to them being discovered as a charlatan will make sure everyone around will hear what the liar wants them to believe.

‭‭Matthew 18:15-17 NASB1995‬‬
[15] “If your brother sins , go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. [16] But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. [17] If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

You cannot know what the truth is by listening to one side. By listening you are being asked to judge. Are you fair and impartial? Have you collected all evidence? Have you listened to both sides? Probably not. ‭Proverbs 18:17 NASB1995‬[17] The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him. When I was first starting out as a therapist. I was meeting with a family of a child with the mother who had to share custody with the horrible father and his awful new wife. I didn’t particularly like the mother but I didn’t want to have to speak to this awful father. I was discussing it in supervision and my supervisor said we don’t have the privilege to not speak to both parents and by next supervision I had better of met with him. So I fearfully made an appointment to meet with the horrible father and step mother. The man was timid, exhausted, loved his daughter and married to the same woman but younger. At next supervision she asked well, was he a horrible, scary man as the wife said? No. My supervisor said that is why you always have to meet with both because one will say really terrible things so that you won’t want to speak to the other and will believe whatever they say is the story. Lesson for life.

My mom walked in kindness. My dad valued truth. They were not opposites attracting.

Jesus told Pilot that he had come into the world to testify to truth. Pilot asked Jesus “what is truth?” John 18:37-38

Jesus is the embodiment of love and truth. God is love. 1 John 4:b and Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but through him. John 14:6.

Ephesians 4:¹⁵ Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Being able to speak in love and truth makes us like Jesus and mature in the faith and wise I would say.

What is love? Paula tells us in 1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

‭‭1 Peter 3:15 NASB1995‬‬
[15] but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence;

This was a verse in VBS one year when I was a teacher in my son’s class. I have been trying to always be ready to make a defense to anyone who asks about my hope ever since. It takes courage, preparation and experience but most people don’t ask. So, I’m not confident in my ability to do so when the time comes. But the spirt brings to my mind:
But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, Matthew 10:19

As David says in The Bible miniseries God is with me.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8 NIV

The nations are all the other countries in the bible besides Isreal. Assyria, Babylon, Cannan, Roman Empire. Godless and sinful, without morals. God set up for us to live in fellowship in a garden but the sin to be our own God got us kicked out. Then there was family and men as leaders of their families/tribes. Then a temple for cental location for communing with God with leaders of priest, prophets and judges; but the people felt weak and wanted a king like the nations. God warned them against this and spoke to them through his profets, but as they say in What’s in the Bible the children of Isreal went through cycle after cycle of “repent, repent, snooze. ” Which got them all destroyed save a remnant. My favorite word.

I sin like the nation of Isreal. I put other people as higher authority than the Lord my God. I’ll be busy loving others instead of keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus. It causes me to care what they think, trying to please them. Then, I become a slave to them. Galatians 1:10

am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? or am I striving to please men? if I were still pleasing men, I should not be a servant of Christ.

God had to teach me the hard way not to keep my focus on trying to be pleasing to other women. My mom passed down this sin of wanting the favor of other women of the church. They are not God. Some people will never give you approval. They will have you seeking after their approval for as long as we will stumble, forsaking myself trying to receive it.

At best it puts pressure on people to be perfect instead of real and authentic which is where fellowship occurs.

I would relate this misguided seeking to the scene in Lost Boys 1987 (a vampire movie) where Edward Herrmann’s character says: “Dont ever invite a vampire into your home, you silly boy, it renders you powerless. ” Lesson for Life- don’t give your power over to other people. Sounds like a lesson from an Oprah show. My pastor Dr Mercer once said in a sermon “Jesus is the only person in your life, who can govern your life, without enslaving you.” I know that’s true.

A key word for me in a Bible study was up. Such a small word with such a powerful effect when we keep our eyes upon Jesus.

‭‭Acts 10:26 NASB1995‬‬ [26] But Peter raised him up, saying, “Stand up; I too am just a man.”

‭‭Job 14:17 NASB1995‬‬ [17] My transgression is sealed up in a bag, And You wrap up my iniquity.

‭‭Psalms 147:3 NASB1995‬‬ [3] He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.

‭‭Deuteronomy 32:34 NASB1995‬‬ [34] ‘Is it not laid up in store with Me, Sealed up in My treasuries?

‭‭Isaiah 62:10 NASB1995‬‬ [10] Go through, go through the gates, Clear the way for the people; Build up, build up the highway, Remove the stones, lift up a standard over the peoples.

‭‭John 3:14 NASB1995‬‬ [14] As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up;

‭‭Luke 21:28 NASB1995‬‬ [28] But when these things begin to take place, straighten up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.”

This brethren is where we are!

‭‭Titus‬ ‭3:5‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬
[5] He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit,

When we first accept Jesus as the rightous savior of our sins we are justified in the eyes of God the Father. Following this first step of faith is the sanctification process of becoming more like Jesus.

The sanctification process is not becoming morally superior to others. The moment our feelings turn to pride and arrogance we have put off the breast plate of righteousness due to the belt of truth slipping. In other words when we feel like we are better than someone else and in position to judge and condemn them we don’t have Jesus’s righteousness- that comes from the sanctification process of knowing truth. Jesus is truth John 14:6. Instead we have put on self righteousness and that’s old nature. Our natural tendency before justification.

We are easily deceived, manipulated and fooled into doing Satan’s bidding. We start to act like the father of lies rather than God. We play judge and condemn in unjust ways. Then, we reject, shame, degrade and isolate from community. Then act like that is evidence of their evil. We mistreat, hate, violate rights they have not earned the loss of, exploit them as example of what evil looks like.

Self righteousness is seeking good feelings about ourselves and so we look good to others. So others don’t do this to us. Instead when we humble ourselves under the truth of who God is we are upheld with his righteous right hand. Isaiah 40:10. That’s a promise we can stand on fearlessly.

when my kids were little I attended MOPS meetings at my church. At one meeting the speaker of the day asked us what our life verse is. A verse God had given me as a kid instantly came to mind. I didn’t even know what book of the Bible it was located. I quoted it to someone and they said it was in Ephesians, but that it can’t be my life verse. I thought well, God is the one who gave it to me so it certainly can. I also learned in a Bible study we did on spiritual gifts to serve the church that I have the gift of prophecy and discernment. So the verse goes very well with those spiritual gifts. It is also an important guide in these evil/last days. The verse is the reason for needing to put on the full armor of God.

‭‭Life verse:

Ephesians‬ ‭6:12‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬
[12] For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Thus, Lesson for Life:

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭6:13‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬
[13] Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.

Now, I know what my spiritual gifts are but using and exercising my spiritual gifts because of my life verse is a whole different matter. I fear Satan too much and I fear retaliation of people because I know Satan will show up and I to often doubt that God will. I have to remind myself that God is always with me. Matthew 28:20 teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Reminding myself of what God has already done for me. Memorizing His promises. Deuteronomy 31:8 The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

One day I was getting off the monorail at Magic Kingdom during a Night of Joy event. A man in front of me had the verse Jeremiah 20:9 on the back of his shirt But if I say, “I will not remember Him Or speak anymore in His name,” Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire Shut up in my bones; And I am weary of holding it in, And I cannot endure it.”

I got so excited YES! That is exactly how having the gift of prophecy but refusing to exercise it feels like! When I focus on other people or Satan its so weaisom or burdensome. Instead, I have to focus on pleasing God. I have to obey God and speak it and let it out! I’m so used to being silent and refusing to speak of Him that it’s easier to express it in writing.

I was the second born to two Christian parents. They were very active in the church. God lead them there before I was born. They found a church family in their new home state far from where they moved from. I accepted Jesus in my heart when I was 6 and was baptized when I was 9. I was raised in a home my parent’s bought a few months before I was born and had for 45 years. I was brought up in a church I attended for 45 years. I recently left both after my husband and then both of my parent’s passed away within 1 year and 10 months of each other.

Growing up I was in church every Sunday morning and Wednesday night. I loved church. I loved attending VBS every year. My friends were all from church and families of my parent’s friends. I knew the bible as much as a kid is taught. It was definitely sugar coated in my church. I was familiar with bible stories and people in the bible. I could see God’s standard lived out in most of the people around me. My parents, other couples in the church, my friends. I knew the 10 commandments. I loved to be in the plays and sing about God’s word. I hated memorizing scripture in GAs but for the most part I knew God’s standard.

When I was a young teenager I chose to walk away from God and church. I remember the day in 8th grade I was at the library with friends on a Wednesday for school and I was begging my mom to stay instead of leaving to go to Wednesday night church. She had grown so tired of pleading with me to go she said yes and that she wouldn’t make me anymore. I was so excited, but deep down I knew that had broken her heart and this was not good. But, I had grown apart from the church and didn’t even know a lot of the people anymore. My friends were at school. Later, in high school I was sitting on the floor of my best friend’s bedroom and I told God he wasn’t enough. That I could fill my life better than He could and I didn’t need him. I had stopped living for God a few years earlier so I don’t know why I would think I’d be walking on a path of blessings. I was an ungrateful, rebellious fool. I believed that same old sorry lie from the garden of eden that God is holding out on me and that it is a delight to my eyes to do what I think is best. God was like see you soon prodigal.

My life got so much worse after that. My friends at the time liked to drink alcohol, smoke and dabble in recreational drug use. I desperately didn’t want to be left out. I idolized them. My friends wouldn’t tell me things because they said i wouldn’t approve which made me want to align with whatever they did so I wouldn’t be left out. The only thing I couldn’t lower my standard on was boys. I’ve never been boy crazy. Sexual sin is not my sin weakness. It wasn’t a temptation for me. I remember telling them one day when being asked if I liked boys was, the only lowering of the standard of no sex outside of marriage that I would do is: that I don’t have to be married to him- he just has to be who I would marry. As Bart Millard would say in his book I Can Only Imagine- remember this for later.

The arduous journey back from this disasterous detour was long with lots of suffering with self inflicted consequences and trials for growth and for my good. Romans8:28 My mom told me later in life that God said to her that I would not always be like this. The journey I had to take was one of self love. I thought so little of myself. Not how God saw me at all. I didn’t think I was pretty, or had good style, I didn’t think I had any skills or talents, I didn’t think I was smart, I didn’t think I was witty. I thought my friends were all of these things and I admired them so. Idolized. When focusing my thoughts on my friends instead of God I couldn’t develop into what God made me to be. I had been doing this my whole life and I needed to learn to LOOK UP.

Ive learned idolizing and insecurity attracks people who self hate even more than I did. Who cope through insulting, belittling and casting their negative thoughts of themselves onto me. I coped with my poor self assessment with trying to please those who had attributes I thought were strong and courageous. In the self loathing people I attracted it presents itself as prideful, arrogance with a smile and a false offer of help and instruction, which I thought I desperately needed. Sounds like that old serpent in the garden, eh? I was right in that I desperately needed help and instruction I just received it from all the wrong people. I needed to look to Jesus.

Unfortunately, I didn’t learn this lesson until after I got married. I fell in love with a guy and I had never been in love before. I thought he was all the things he said he was. I thought he had all the strengths where I had all my weaknesses. This is know in toxic relationships recovery groups as mirroring. They say they are all the things you love and admire. Then, eventually the mask starts to slip and the true nature is seen. After years of living with a mentally and emotionally abusive person and years of studying human behavior I have learned to recognize these character traits.

My mom got me into bible study after I finished my masters degree. She said you are done with school, now you can study God’s word. My faith caught fire like never before. I have a bachelor’s in psychology and a master in social work. I loved studying human behavior and helping others. I enjoyed studying it very much! Studying God’s word with Precept Bible study and Kay Arthur excited my brain even more than the study psychology did. It also renewed my mind, comforted my spirit and gave me wisdom I was so lacking. It gave me my foundation back. God loves me. Never foresakes me and equipped me to raise my children to know Him and to be a good wife in a bad marriage.

Lesson for Life:

We are not saved by our parent’s faith.

But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to where he was baptizing, he said to them: “You brood of vipers!^g Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath?^h 8 Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.ⁱ 9 And do not think you can say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’^j I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. 10 The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.^k Matthew 3:7-10

‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:12‬
[12] Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned—

For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive. 1 Corinthians 15:22

God Has No Grandchildren – Answers in Genesis

Big Daddy Weave “My Story”

https://youtu.be/1TKAN-nAsu8?si=ksMLZp2dXXYj87mv

John the Baptist is my favorite Christian