By the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony

Numbers 14:18 ‘I, the LORD, am not easily angered, and I show great love and faithfulness and forgive sin and rebellion. Yet I will not fail to punish children and grandchildren to the third and fourth generation for the sins of their parents.’

We are like our parents. We inherit their genes and we adopt their teachings, whether verbal or actions. We learn good things and bad, because all parents are imperfect people. So even good parents can unintentionally teach ways that are not God’s ways. As scripture says throughout the book of Kings “he walked in the way of his father” and had a similar fate. We are always to seek God and to know His ways and His teaching and His righteousness because all else falls short of the glory of God. We ought to learn from the mistakes of our parents. If I continue to do the same as my parents, then I’m going to have the same consequences and I’m going to teach my children those ways and they will continue the consequences. Especially when I know better. So I want to do better so my children won’t repeat it and endure the same consequences.

Luke 12:47-48 NASB1995[47] And that slave who knew his master’s will and did not get ready or act in accord with his will, will receive many lashes, [48] but the one who did not know it, and committed deeds worthy of a flogging, will receive but few. From everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more.

As children grow into teenagers they see things in their parents they don’t like and don’t want to be like. As a wise man said “it’s not enough to know what we don’t want to do, we have to know what we will do instead.” So when I see my parent’s suffering under sin consequence, just as they can see me suffering under my sin consequenes- it’s my responsibility to do better. My parents modeled the Christian life for me. Expected me to do as I was taught. James 1:22 But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.

My mom later in life was convicted of focusing too much on her friends. She began confessing it to me. I in return confessed having that sin as well. My idolizing of friends and women in the church was learned from my mom. It goes unchecked because it doesn’t seem like a sin, but it is and God certainly wanted to sift it out of me. Afterall, He is a jealous God. Exodus 34:14 —for you shall not worship any other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God— This sin is easier to repent from in that there is one clear action: fix my eyes on Him Hebrews 12:2. “The only one worthy of my praise. For great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised; he is to be feared above all gods” Psalm 96:4 I think my mom developed this sin weakness because her mother was very outspoken, “social butterfly” somewhat unavailable as she liked to be at the beauty parlor and playing cards with her friends. So my mom often went wanting her attention. I can relate. My mom wanted to be accepted and included by her older, a prestigious and wealthy half sister by her mother. My grandmother was a war widow with a daughter when my grandfather married her. My mom was always clothed in strength and dignity. Our hearts ache for love and belonging. As humans we often seek that from the wrong places.

My mom had the spiritual gift of hospitality and she exercised it regularly. She used it all the way through to the end of her life. Even after she had Aphasia and while she lived in memory care. My dad’s spiritual gifts is not as apparent as my mom’s. I wish I could talk with him about it, but I would say he has the gift of faith. They both did. I think he had the gift of prophecy and discernment like me but didn’t like to exercise it. Probably for the same reason I don’t. Others will call you a know it all and minimize that I would have such a gift. It silences and silence makes the gifts unused, which is a sin. Our pastor would even say God will take away unused gifts. It’s like Moses when God wanted him to give His message to Pharoah. Moses said Exodus 4:1 Then Moses said, “What if they will not believe me or listen to what I say? For they may say, ‘The Lord has not appeared to you.’ ”

Why do we think that people with no problems are Godly? Jesus had problems. Joseph had problems. Job had problems. Ester had problems. Have you ever seen the kid’s series Torchlighters’s? They had troubles! Jesus said in this would you will have troubles. John 16:33. As they say in a Kendrick Brothers movie don’t worry if Satan is attacking you, worry if he isn’t. Someone who presents as having it all together, all knowing and happy go lucky with no problems is a deceitful liar.

After my husband passed away people would wisely advise in passing to read Psalm such and such for continued strength and comfort. I couldn’t help but think “write it down. Did you write it down? You’ll forget. Write it down. ” -Pretty Woman I could barely remember anything especially not numbers. But, thankfully through the years of reading the Bible I have scriptures I’ve memorized and although I didn’t know it God brought Psalm 23 to my mind often.

‭Psalms 23:1-6 NKJV‬[1] The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. [2] He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. [3] He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake. [4] Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. [5] You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over. [6] Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me All the days of my life; And I will dwell in the house of the Lord Forever.

I didn’t even realize those 6 verses were together in the 23rd chapter of Psalm. But they were what I was experiencing with God. God had separated me years earlier from any friends and he drew me close to him through the study of His word and utter dependence on Him. When my husband of 21 years and father to my two children suddenly died I just had to lean in to what I already knew about God and the support of His people.

When I was looking to move away from my hometown, I was looking at houses to buy with my realtor. I realized that one of the necessities of a home for me was that it had a place to put a table. I looked at brand new houses in my price range, but I didn’t want them because instead of there being room for a table there would just be a breakfast bar to eat at. I was stunned and appalled at the idea of eating dinner with my children at a bar and not gathered around the table. I didn’t even want to bring my large, 6 setter table that we had in our home and bought together one evening as a family of four at Kanes. I actually was in the process of selling it, instead of moving it again. Yet, a house was a NO for me if it didn’t even have space for a small 4 seater table. My realtor couldn’t believe it. Then, after deciding on a house that was just right for me I hired a construction company to put in a new kitchen to replace the terrible, tiny one that was there. The first thing the contractor said is I can make the kitchen bigger by expanding it with a breakfast bar into the area where the table goes. I almost cried. I’m like NO! I’ll have a smaller kitchen so that I still have room to put a table. No, I don’t have a table yet, I’m going to get a new one that matches my new home and kitchen. My old table was too big and would not have matched at all. He couldn’t believe that I would choose a smaller kitchen for a table. I explained I don’t want to eat with my children in a line. This article explains it perfectly.

“Of course, it’s not really about a physical table but what the time around a table represents. Too many people in our community are living isolated lives. They’re overwhelmed by life, but having too few meaningful conversations about things that matter. They are lacking a sense of connection and belonging. Too many people are like islands in an archipelago, alone and separated by the sea, while God designed us to be like branches of a tree, connected to one another by the trunk and fed by the roots, so we can thrive.The table is a symbol of family, community, and faithful presence. It’s a symbol of our deep desire to be known and be loved. It’s a symbol that we see throughout Scripture as a place where God dwells with and provides for his people. God sets a table for us and joins us around it.” – cfhome.org

Growing up my family of four ate dinner together. We would all hold hands and my dad would pray. I didn’t always like to eat, but I always liked being at the kitchen table with my family. Sometimes on the weekends we would eat at TV trays in front of the TV to watch something (technically still a table. ) My mom had the gift of hospitality and my dad loved that about her and encouraged her and enjoyed her gift of the spirit. So my parents often had dinner parties, gathered around the large table in the dining room with friends and enjoyed fellowship. My parents even turned the formal living room into a dining room so they could have a bigger table!

I remember one day I had made a dinner for my dad and we were sitting at their dining room table with my kids. My husband had passed and my mom was in memory care and we were talking about our plans for my kids and I to move in with him so we weren’t alone and we could help him. I told him we could get rid of his table and I would bring mine. He got all upset and once we talked through what he was upset about, he said he needed to have a table to eat with his family. I said dad. Of course you need a table to eat with your family. You said you like my table and chairs better than yours. He brighten and said I do! I’m just saying there isn’t enough room for both of our dining sets so we could use mine. He said ok. I see where I get my thing about tables! 🤦‍♀️😆

The table is the symbol of God providing, but also a place where he fellowships with us and invites us to come as an honored guest. A place where we can enjoy his goodness and abundance. Where it’s safe. It’s also in a position to where my enemies see God’s blessings for me. This is the table I want to sit at. My pastor would say that the only verse in the bible which gives reason for why God made us is:

‭Revelation 3:20 NASB1995‬
[20] Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.

I mean is there anything better than eating with someone you love?

‭‭Matthew 26:20 NASB1995‬
[20] Now when evening came, Jesus was reclining at the table with the twelve disciples.

‭Isaiah 21:5 NASB1995‬
[5] They set the table, they spread out the cloth, they eat, they drink; “Rise up, captains, oil the shields,”

I learned in my marriage God as the God who provides. As a child my dad was the provider. My mom also worked full-time. When I wanted something I usually asked my mom; both of my parents liked to give gifts and gave without any strings attached. I love the verse
If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! Matthew 7:11

when I started dating my husband. He liked to give flashy gifts. When we were engaged he bought me a car. I had a VW Jetta I’d had since I was 17. It had been struck by lightning one day and since then had a lot of electrical issues. The drivers seat was broken and it was 10 years old. I loved that car, but my husband decided he needed to buy me a new car and he would drive my Jetta. It seams nice because I was working downtown and driving on highways so the newer car would be more comfortable and safer. I didn’t ask for it and didn’t need him to but he went around telling everyone he bought me a car like he provided for me something I wasn’t able to get myself. It was a want not a need. It wasn’t providing it’s control. I wished I’d acknowledged that then. Its differen from God who provides supernaturally , not of our own strength, and as a blessing.

‭Psalms 78:24 NKJV‬
[24] Had rained down manna on them to eat, And given them of the bread of heaven.

I graduated with my Masters degree in 2006. I worked for a couple of years and then quit because my husband would make going to work a nightmare. He said working woman have affairs. His father uses the same means of control. Financial control keeps a woman from being able to leave. God used this abuse for good. I was able to spend so much time with my kids and I’m sure I wouldn’t have known God as Jahova Jirah. I would have thought it was of my own strength, talents and smarts. I needed to know God provides, because he was going to take my husband, the sole provider of our family after not working for 11 years at 43 years old and I would have to lean heavily on my first hand experience that my God provides.

In 2007 in FL the housing market collapsed and so did the construction industry. My husband’s business went from making a lot of money to none by the end of the year. Thankfully the home and property I had purchased 7 years earlier with inheritance money I had was something we both wanted to protect so any income we had went to home, fuel and food. God introduced himself as the God who provides. I would say to my kids that we live on God’s economy, because there would be no money, but somehow we always ate and we paid the Mortgage. I wasn’t always so trusting in God, but my husband’s focus was the business he ran out of the home and not the family surviving in the home. Several times I said “what are we supposed to eat? The tires?” God would remind me “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” Matthew 6:26

After he died, people he’d worked with came flooding in wanting in on the business and offering to provide all kinds of business plans. But, all I could ask people was how am I going to get rid of all these tires? God provided. His friends came in and cleaned all of it up. I shut his business down. There was no other option. He actually said to do that one day when we were talking about if we died during covid. He was the heart and soul of of that business. It didn’t run without him. It couldn’t out live him and I certainly wasn’t going to put my neck on the line for someone who wasn’t my husband. I was glad to not have to be a slave to the business anymore. I would tell him your business is supposed to work for you. He had a victim hero mindset. Whichever one got him what he wanted in a given situation or with a person.

But for me if God doesn’t provide it, I don’t want it. I don’t want to hussel my way through life. I want to walk God’s path of blessing. I have seen and can testify that God provides. When there is no earthly reason we had money to eat and pay for our shelter that God provided in the firstplace. We could sit at our kitchen table as a family and eat a meal I cooked and he paid for. God provides more than just financial, but after my husband died and left huge debts from reckless spending and impulsive buying. I was able to settle those debts and be provided for without losing my neck. Jahova Jirah. The God who provides. He is enough. God forgive me for thinking you weren’t enough. You’re everything. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. [13] I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. Philippians 4.12-13

God as provider is fist mentioned in the bible when he provides a lamb for Abraham to sacrifice instead of his promised and beloved son Isaacs. Abraham obeyed God’s instructions and was willing to give his son back to God. As Jesus said

‭Luke 20:25 NKJV‬
[25] And He said to them, “Render therefore to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s.”

God is good, faithful and just.

Sparrows by Cory Asbury

https://youtu.be/dqLWnoEKjsw?si=Vr4atOv2-zliqpFu

It’s not all relative.

There is absolute truth.

“Without truth-without an absolute, nonnegotiable standard-there’s no real liberty.” Priscilla Shirer, The Armor of God

Truth is not fluid. There’s no my truth and your truth. “Truth is reality from God’s perspective.” – Joyce Myer The cliché “there’s his/her side, your side and then there is the truth.” Implies that no one tells the truth. I know I can have an accurate understanding of reality and can honestly recount what happened. The cliché also Implies there is a judge of what the truth actually is. The Bible actually sets this up and our justice system is based on it. The reason we need a judge to determine what the truth is not because no one tells the truth, but because there are liars. Its also difficult to identify if someone is lying so evidence is necessary in a trial. There are people who only care about furthering their agenda. Reality doesn’t matter. Truth is not valued by them. Only what they can convince others of to get what they want. To not be held accountable for what they did. They aren’t trying to problem solve. They don’t care about getting to the bottom/root of a matter. They aren’t interested in peace, cooperation, mediation. They just stay the course for what they want using anything and everything to be king of the hill. They don’t want justice they don’t want to be held accountable. Liars aren’t trying to fix a problem. They don’t take responsibility for their actions. They want power, control, money, status, clout, influence, to affect, to infect. “They perish because they refused to live the truth and so be saved.” 2 Thessalonians 2:10.

Satan has been twisting God’s word since before he got thrown down out of heaven. Jesus is the truth and Satan is the father of lies. Godless people are liars. ‭‭John 8:44 NASB1995‬‬ [44] You are of your father the devil, and you want to do the desires of your father. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

People are so easily deceived. “and all the ways that wickedness deceives those who are perishing.” 2 Thess. 2:10a. Deceived by what tickles their ears. Deceived by permission to enjoy a sense of moral superiority. Deceived by thinking you are helping or defending the abuser who is playing the victim. “even the elect will be deceived.” Matthew 24:24. We need to have wisdom and discernment because Satan is cunning Genesis 3:1. He appears as an angel of light. 2 Corinthians 11:14 You will know them by their fruits. Matthew 7:15-20 When liars are sharing with you their woe of virtuous victimhood ask yourself: are they kind? patient? is this envious? boastful? is it keeping a record of wrongs? is it prideful? dishonoring to the other person? is it self-seeking? As the church we always need to allow God to examine our hearts. “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24

Is it even necessary to tell you of their injustice to resolve the problem? Are you really doing any justice by getting involved? Are you helping them or just joining the hate parade? They can sound convincing with their emotions because to them it is an in injustice against what they think they are entitle to. What they covet. Liars know that fools believe the first story they hear, so deceivers aggressively, intrusively, recklessly even to them being discovered as a charlatan will make sure everyone around will hear what the liar wants them to believe first. “Fools believe every word they hear, but wise people think carefully about everythig.” Proverbs “The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him.’ Proverbs 18:17

‭‭Matthew 18:15-17 NASB1995‬‬
[15] “If your brother sins , go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. [16] But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. [17] If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

You cannot know what the truth is by listening to one side. By listening you are being asked to judge. Are you fair and impartial? Have you collected all evidence? Have you listened to both sides? Probably not. ‭Proverbs 18:17 NASB1995‬[17] The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him. When I was first starting out as a therapist. I was meeting with a family of a child with the mother who had to share custody with the horrible father and his awful new wife. I didn’t particularly like the mother but I didn’t want to have to speak to this awful father. I was discussing it in supervision and my supervisor said we don’t have the privilege to not speak to both parents and by next supervision I had better of met with him. So I fearfully made an appointment to meet with the horrible father and step mother. The man was timid, exhausted, loved his daughter and married to the same woman. At next supervision she asked well, was he a horrible, scary man as the wife said? No. My supervisor said that is why you always have to meet with both because one will say really terrible things so that you won’t want to speak to the other and will believe whatever they say is the story. Lesson for life.

John 3:33 NASB1995[33] He who has received His testimony has set his seal to this, that God is true.

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

Everyone saw my husband a a good guy. I always sacrificed my self to make him look good. In our engagement photo when went to buy new clothes and all my money was spent on what he wanted in order to look good enough to do the photos. I wore a dress I had already and we aren’t dressed equally, but that’s only because I made sure he felt good enough to take the photo, otherwise he wouldn’t. Getting the engagement photos done was more important to me than how well I was dressed in them. In Christmas photos with our kids I’m last to get anything and its noticeable. I wasn’t allowed to wear heals because it made me taller than him. I wasn’t allowed to dress nicely as it would make me attractive to other men. I was accused of shaving my legs because I was tying to look good for someone at school or work. At our wedding its on video him chasing around with another woman. Six months into our marriage he was in a car accident and when I got home from work I was calling around trying to find him and spoke to his dad who mocked me that I wasn’t home and that he went to the arms of another woman. I said I was at work. Well working women have affairs. I told him I see why my husband’s mom divorced him. How misogynistic is that. Encourage your son to be unfaithful because the wife had left the home to go to work? We weren’t even married 6 months and he was unfaithful and I doubt it was the first time. He had been unfaithful when we were dating with my friend who appologized. He admitted years later this was true, he had gone to another woman. He said why didn’t you tell me you knew? I said I didn’t want to believe it at the time. I told him what his dad said and asked if it was true and he denied it. So, I believed him because its what I wanted to believe. I didn’t want to admit that he would do that to me. He would say all the time I’m not that kind of man. Toward the end of his life when he would cheat with reckless abandonment of any sense of indecency or of being caught and he would say he wasn’t that kind of man, I would say oh, yes you are. You’re an infidell, which was a favorite insult he used for others. It got the the point on the rare occasion he asked to do something with me I would tell him no, ask your other family. He was gone so much he could have a whole other wife and kids somewhere. When we were first married we lived in my parent’s condo. I quickly became a wife who was home alone every night. I was attending college and working at an office downtown and he knew my bosses, he knew the day time office hours, he would know my class schedule. I was home at the same times every day/evening; but I soon was eating the dinners I made by myself and he would come home around 11pm when I’m in bed and eat the leftovers, shower and go to sleep. When we had children I told him if I didn’t have kids I would be completely alone. Living at my parent’s condo I was right up the street from my college and near interstate to get to work, but he would whine and complain every day that working at his dad and step mom’s was such a nightmare and they were so awful to him that he needed to move where he could work off of his own property. He said it was time to use your small inheritance I had to buy land with trailer on it. We looked in the town we were living, but too expensive. We had to move 30 minutes out of town in the rugged country into a nasty trailer. It was awful, but I thought it was important for him to feel good about himself and be happy with his work. We bought the property from someone he worked with his dad. We closed in the title company owned by a lawyer my parent’s were friends with from our church. She was so encouraging. Validating my decision to own land and invest in property and she just knew I would make more of it. She was right. I did. We had friends help us move all of our furniture we purchased together, but on the night when I was bringing all of my personal belongings he was no where to be found. He didn’t even come to my nephews birthday party which was on the way. He later said he was hoping I wouldn’t come. That he could just take my money and our furniture and that was all he needed from me after just over 1 year and 5 months of marriage. He could have never bought that property without me. He had no credit, bad credit actually, and he had zero savings. He spent as he received.

Before we got married, I was shopping with my mom for wedding planning. There was a plaque in a store that said something about loving son in law and I showed it to her to see if she would want to buy it but, she didn’t which surprised me and when I pressed as to why she said “are you sure you want to marry him?” I was stunned. I thought they loved him and I asked her what? you don’t like him. She brushed it off not wanting to discuss it in the store any further. That took some blinders off my eyes that he was someone that parents like. When we were dating he used to like to tell me that his previous girlfriend’s parents had a lot of money and they wanted to pay for him to go to college because they wanted him to be a part of their family but there was some theft and a motorcycle accident and they broke up. He was no better than his friends and I decided I did not want to marry him. I told my mom I wanted to call off the wedding. It was only a week or so out. My mom sat us down together and said I was having cold feet and for husband to express his desire and my mom said everything is paid for already. I did not want to waste my mom’s money and I figured I was overreacting. Years later I asked her why she made me marry him. She said she thought that he asking if I really wanted to marry him caused me to not want to. I told her know I realized he was not someone I wanted to have to spend the rest of my life with and that I didn’t want to disappoint her. I did almost break up with him one time when we were dating. He was grabby and not thoughtful of what I wanted or didn’t want and was having another medical episode. I helped him with it and I left. It was freezing outside and I got in my car and sat there for a while because I was so upset. He appeared in the doorway of the house. I was like this is more than I want to deal with and I started my car and drove away. I planned to not be in relationship with him anymore. Then, a day or two later his roomates called me. They said he was having a medical episode and I needed to come and help him. I said no I don’t this is what you have to do. You are his roomates, you need to know what to do to help him now. I don’t need to drive all the way over there for him to receive aid he needs. They said no he isn’t cooperating we can’t do it. I said call his mom. They begged and pleaded he is asking for you we need your help. When I hung up my dad asked what was wrong. I told him and he said you can go and help. I had agreed. They had helped him and he was recovering by the time I got there. He convinced me to stay. It wasn’t his fault. He loves me and needs me. The need part was true. I had encouraged him to move in with roomates and he said this is why I lived with my mom because people can’t help me. Those three guys helped him more than he helped himself. There was nothing patient, it wasn’t kind, it wasn’t honoring, it was self seeking it did not protect.

We planned to see each other before the ceremony to ease our nerves and because “its bad luck to see the bride before the wedding” is superstitious in my opinion. He agreed after rebuttal. I was standing there all dressed and ready and we are all waiting on him and the MOH Jezebel came up to me and told me “he’s not coming, he doesn’t want to.” He arrived shortly after. He said one of his groomsman made him drink a beer and he lost track of time. I started to cry and he said well, don’t cry, I’m here. I told him we don’t have to get married. I don’t need to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry me. He said of course I want to marry you. I wish he left me at the alter. Except I still want my children. We didn’t consummate the marriage that night, because he “couldn’t”. I cried in the bathroom. Not just tears, but sobbing with remorse that I had just joined myself in holy matrimony to this selfish, callous, manipulative and neglectful man child till death parts us. The next morning at the continental breakfast and elderly gentleman having breakfast with his wife and just talking with my husband before I got there said, “I heard you crying last night. Sometimes men just can’t. Next time. I wanted to burst that excuse bubble and I replied we’ve already done it hundreds of times. He was like oh. Starting even in our first year of marriage when we had sex, its because I initiated it. Its hard to have sex with someone who isn’t home and stays out until he knows I’m going to bed because I have school and work in the morning. I didn’t own my own business.

When we were dating he would say “being overweight is a reason for divorce.” I was thin and he was already overweight. He continually gained weight throughout our marriage except during the recession when he hung out with the village crack heads. I didn’t gain weight post pregnancies, but I eventually gained weight from being married to an unfaithful, abusive and neglectful husband. Like Logan Huntsberger’s mom. I’m a child of the 90s and as a previous wafe “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” -Kate Moss. I prefer to be thin, being overweight doesn’t make me happy. Its a terrible and unhealthy philosophy. He didn’t divorce me though. He was the biggest hypocrite I’ve ever known. My weight was able to be used as an excuse as to why he’s allowed to cheat. To him being a husband meant to shame, degrade and humiliate. He did it so often I started saying “shame, degrade, humiliate” every time he did it. He would create problems to use as an excuse to be unfaithful and abusive and pretend to be a good man to himself and in image to others. He sure was good at. Everyone thought he was great and I was the monster. His community believed everything he said and condoned his cheating and never being with his family. None of them knew me, met me or spoke with me. On the occasion he would take our children with him it was just for image that he is involved in their life and that he has a family. They usually came back terrorized and didn’t want to go with him again, so it wasn’t much of a struggle. I was like a single mom who received child support. He was never a family man, a good husband or a good father. He hated family. His birth family and his marital family. He hated safety and was reckless with his life and disregarded the safety of those around him. That ultimately took his life and he died alone because we didn’t feel safe with him and wouldn’t ride with him, but on the rare occasion when he would ask. His community didn’t even feel safe. I used to tell him when he would tell me stories of what he’s done, that he has made God work hard to keep him alive all his life and all God has to do is take his hand of protection off you and you’ll take yourself out. I think God gave him an endocrine disorder to keep him grounded in living and taking care of himself. I used to ask God why did you let me marry him? How long do I have to do this? It got so bad to where I didn’t want to divorce because some dumb judge would order for my children to live with him even part time and they wouldn’t be cared for; they would be harmed. I wasn’t willing to leave them behind. Society tells women to leave because its teaching the children disfunction, but if a woman leaves legally (not hiding children) the children aren’t going to be separated from the abuser. They will be used against her. Also, and even worse a woman is most likely to be killed when she leaves. I was a dutiful wife, I never touched another man, I initiated sex, I rarely declined on the occasion he initiated; until closer to the end of his life.

When we were dating I would tell him I don’t like debt. I didn’t have any and I expected the same from him. He said he believed all the same things I did. Always expressing top notch morals and self discipline, but he didn’t live his life that way. I believed everything he said until he demonstrated over and over again that he was a chronic, bold faced liar. The proposal wasn’t even good; not in location or the ring, but in execusion of the plan. He took me to a park one day said he wanted to show me where his mom would take them when they were kids. Two different parks. At the second park we found a gazebo to sit in that overlooked a lake, very pretty. We were sitting there and he was uncomfortable. Then one of my friends called and we were chatting and I looked over and notice he didn’t appreciate the interruption so I said goodbye, but then boaters drove up and asked if we would like to jump in. I looked at him to see if he wanted to and he said no, so I told than thank you but no. He annoyingly said lets walk over here where its less crowded. We walked down the path to a little bench and he said lets sit here. I’m pleased to be at such a pretty park, but he is uncomfortably quiet. I looked at him and he was sweat profusely so I asked him why he was sweating so much. It wasn’t hot out. He angrily replied, I’m not sweating you are! I was like um, no I’m not. I asked, what’s happening are you ready to leave? An older couple walked past and commented on how miserable we looked. Then he stood and bent down on one knee and held out a ring in a box and asked will you marry me. My immediate, micro response was all this misery over a proposal? But I quickly shook that off and hugged him and said yes, as I had been wanting him to propose. We had already gone to the mall one day and he said lets go into that jewelry shop and show me what kind of engagement ring you would like. So, we did and I picked one out and then he sent me off so he could talk to the jeweler without me. When he met back up with me he said it was too expensive. I wasn’t sure if he bought one or not, but I was hoping. He liked to buy jewelry. I got an upgrade 7 years later, which was beautiful, but I treasure the OG because that’s the one we picked out together and its the one he put on my finger when we said I do. It was a combination of engagement/wedding band. The upgrade was given with a look what I can buy. After the proposal at the park we went to my parent’s house for my mom’s birthday dinner. I was hiding my recently adorned hand while I set the table so we could share the good news, but my sister in law came into the dinning room and said I see you hiding your ring. How do you know that? Your future husband told us. Everyone else was in the kitchen and he went right in and told everyone while I wasn’t there. My mom asked if she could see it. I showed her and said I thought we were going to announce it when we sat down. I wasn’t hiding anything, I just didn’t want you to notice it before we told you all. That was disappointing. Later, we went to the local watering hole where all our friends would meet up and I went right and future husband went left and I showed the girls who had gathered my ring and they were like we know, he told everyone already. My shock and disappointment. Like why is that a solo announcement to him?? I looked around for him and he was pointed out on the other side he didn’t follow the same way I went brought me with him. One of the girls saw my utter disappointment and said let me see your ring and oohed with excitement as of course I expected to hear and said congratulations. I took the love crumbs as it was all I had. This was the community I had and I didn’t want to walk away from it. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the Lord.” Proverbs 18:22 I hadn’t been involved in church in years.

I was so excited for the Bachelorette party with my friends. We were renting a bus and going to a tourist friend venue. My future husband hijacked it and stated that we needed to do a joint Bachelor/Bachelorette party so that his friends didn’t make him do he shouldn’t be doing. I told him I wanted time with just my friends and that he doesn’t have to do whatever they say. But they all came on the bus. We didn’t even sit together, we weren’t together in the venue, the guys were all focused on the maid of honor and everyone scattered once inside. My brother noticed how up set I was alone and he encouraged me to be involved in the activities of the venue. Honestly, if he wasn’t’ there that would have been a terrible night. The next night the guys took my future husband out for a bachelor party. If my future husband had such a problem with how he thought I would act at a Bachelorette party that he had to be there, then why marry me? Always accusing of what he is doing. How could I have possibly asked God why he let me marry him, I had so many chances to say that’s a red flag. That’s a deal breaker. This doesn’t make me happy, fulfilled, loved, cared for. I had already given so much, invested so much that I didn’t want to be alone. I felt like even my friends wouldn’t be there if I broke it off. Turns out, I was alone in the marriage anyway. I didn’t have any of those friends after I got married. Everyone and everything became a threat to him. He didn’t spend time with me, but I wasn’t allowed to spend time out of the house without being accused of being unfaithful. Its an ego defense projection. So, I would come straight home after work to make dinner for him and was there alone for the rest of the night. I’ll not talk to them anymore, I’ll be home as soon as my obligations are complete, I’ll be available to him as soon as he is available. On our honeymoon, another newly wed couple we were talking to eventually didn’t want to interact anymore because he was propositioning the wife. They accuse of what they are doing. Like a confession, without accountability or repentance. With others he is a charming, lovable boy next-door; who is mild mannered and is safe and wouldn’t hurt a fly; but that is a facade. With me he was entitled to mistreat, neglect, abandon, be unfaithful, because he had been delt an unfair life. His parents were horrible, his sister was the golden child, he has a medical condition which affects daily life and life expectancy. I felt bad for him even though his parents were functioning parents, his sister liked to help him and look out for sweet, baby boy, he’s not the only person with a chronic medical condition and they don’t behave abusive to the people who love them. He’s sullen, passive aggressive, vindictive, no respect for others, zero accountability, shallow apologies without any changed behavior. So unfair. So childish. Always the victim.

The honeymoon was over almost as soon as we got home from our trip. I was alone most evenings. During the day I either went to classes or I went to the office I worked at downtown. I didn’t make friends at school, because my husband would tell me you’re not going to love me anymore because I’m not in college. I married him with me in college and him not. That didn’t change after we got married. He started not liking this friend and that friend. He would say you can go to your parents unless you are going to come home not liking me. My parents married me off to you. What? Its a power and control tactic to isolate. It took me years to stop feeling bad for him and realize what he was doing to me. He on the other hand was never home, always off with other people. He was ALWAYS “working”. Whatever he did it was ok, because he was working. He was at his dad’s house or at people he used to work with. One of them stopped talking to him because of the inappropriateness with his wife. We went to an annual holiday party at the home of someone he did business with. I looked forward to going because it was one of the few things we did together and the only date night of the year. Also, the wife was nice and treated him like an adopted son. We lived separate lives. One year they stopped inviting us because they were going to invite his dad and step mom instead. I was like ok, go ahead, same marriage dynamic but older. The OG of the marital blue print: Shame, degrade, humiliate to build yourself up. It was not kind, full of envy, boastful and proud, dishonoring, self-seeking, easily angered, kept of record of wrongs, delighted in evil, harmful, helpless and hopeless, always threatening to leave and leaving. I realized he was never with me at that party. I was always talking with people I didn’t know in the common areas. He was never in sight. So, I realized that one night a year where I thought it was something we could do together we weren’t ever actually together once we got out of the car until he was ready to go. “Accordingly, whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in the inner rooms will be proclaimed upon the housetops.” Luke 12:3

When I was in high school, I worked at a grocery store. One day a man and his wife came though my line and the man was overly complementing me. I said don’t you think that’s disrespectful to your wife? Everyone got quiet with my bluntness. The wife tried to lighten the situation by saying he’s harmless. I said well I don’t want to hear it and I think it rude to you. They left as soon as possible. At some year in our marriage I told him that he was like that gross old man in the grocery store always propositioning unwanted relations and disrespecting me. He said they are unwanted. He knew everyone’s wife and they either hated him or they had inappropriately close interactions. He liked married women. He played virtuous victim of having a bad wife and needed to be feed and sexual needy. I don’t know why so many wives felt the need to wife adopt him. Send him home. Its interesting how women will reject as inferior a man who sill lives with his mother, but is ok if he still lives with his wife, because she is supposedly awful. It must be money. A man who lives with his parents has no money but a man who has a nice family home, well decorated by his wife and kept clean and organized by his wife is much more appealing. A man rationalizing its ok for him to cheat because of his wife is awful is the oldest lie in the playbook. Both so pathetic. I was married to a man who was unfaithful for all 21 and 1/2 years that we were married, but I was never unfaithful. Not even once. Not even close. I never even thought about it, because its detestable. its not a desire I ever had. Its interesting how society will excuse the man’s cheating saying his wife didn’t have sex with him and he has to have sex. Well of the two of us he refused sex with me a lot more than I with him. We had sex before we were married and after we were married I still wanted to have sex. we lived with each other and had plenty of opportunities, but he wasn’t home in the evenings. I started to be the one who always initiated, he would claim that his organ wasn’t working due to car accident and medical condition and so we couldn’t. I was very pregnant one night laying on the couch and him in his recliner watching tv and I litteraly start begging him to have sex with me. He would not. At the end of his life he admitted he would decline sex with me because he had had sex with someone else and so he didn’t want to have sex with me and spread that. He apparently had some window of time in which he thought he became clean and could have sex with me again. He thought withholding sex during this cleaning phase made him a good, considerate husband. Having affairs was something he did before we got married, it didn’t have anything to do with me. Its who he was. At the end of his life he said he thought he could stop once we got married.

But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his martial duty to his wife, and ikewise the wife to her husbnad. the wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. then come toghther again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” -1 Corinthians 7:2-5

Our first child was conceived 2 years into our marriage. I was in the bathroom one day looking in the mirror and talking about a change. He said “you’re pregnant.” He realized before I did. So, I had to go and get a pregnancy test. It was positive. When I showed him he said, I knew it. Its from that time when you didn’t stop me. You wanted this. I recalled the time and remembered how true that is. I really did and it was the best climax I had had. Its still memorable. I was terrified and excited. His mom made him get health insurance and to him that was investing everything he had. As on par, I went though my pregnancy alone. I went to all of my baby appointments by myself, every part of the nursery was provided by my mom and she helped me paint her room. He was too busy and it was beneath him. He owned his own business. I was a junior in college. I now lived 30-40 minutes away from school instead of 5, a sacrifice I did for him. The old, tiny trailer we lived in on our property was full of mildew. With the level of morning sickness I couldn’t stand the smell of our house, I had to stay in the bedroom with the window cracked. In the morning, I ate breakfast and they threw it up as I ran out of the house gaging on the smell. It made him angry that I did things to avoid the mildew. In addition to going to college I also was still working downtown at the office. When it was time for her to be born, I was being induced and we had to be at the hospital at midnight. He wanted for us to spend some time together, go to bed early and set an alarm so we could be downtown by midnight. He wanted to have sex, but with all the anticipation and focus I didn’t want to. Just to rest together. Which upset him and I’m like I’ve litteraly begged you before to have sex, but now with all of this going on you want to? In the car, before we even got off our street he picked a fight to where I said, pull over I’d rather walk. He said you are going to walk downtown. I said its less stressful then being in here. He calmed down and we sat in silence. If it wasn’t all about him, he had to ruin it. At the hospital he came and went from my room. He slept. He fainted. Thank God for nurses. When it was time for us to go home he was too busy working and my parents came to pick us up and take our new baby home. He was there to greet in the driveway though and my parents took our first family photo. He held the baby like he was a proud dad. My parents had stopped and picked up sandwiches and we ate and my mom did some cleaning up for me. I can’t fathom not wanting to be involved in bring my new born baby home and helping my wife. ‘Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world.” John 16:21 She was born at the end of a semester and I took summer session off and took time off of work. I breast feed, got up at night as needed, changed her, cleaned and dressed her. I enjoyed it, I can’t imagine not wanting to. I got so much joy from all the little things. He couldn’t be bothered, he had to work. I took her to all of her doctors appointments from the time she was born till she was 18, he couldn’t have told you who her pediatrician was. When I went back to school and work, I found daycare for her, I took her there every time. It was of no concern to him. I’m so thankful for my dad who started watching her when I went to classes. When she was 2 he would drive her to the preschool at our church. He often said later in life that it was the best time of his life. That fills my heart and brings tears to my eyes. A lady from church who I grew up with told my daughter and I that at his funeral. He said it often. One night when she was still a baby she was up and crying. She was a good sleeper usually and it was late and I was tired and so I made a remark like maybe we should put her on the front porch. He said go ahead. I was hoping for some assistance. I got up and picked her up and brought her out to the couch where I had been sitting. I said its late. Lets turn the tv off I think its keeping her awake. That made him angry as he said he isn’t done watching. I explained her bed and the tv share a thin, trailer wall and at least turn it down, I’m ready for bed too. He stood up, came towards us and aggressively pointed at her and said keep her away from me. I was shocked and terrified and I said, I will. He calmed and said its not that bad and walked away. I realized I couldn’t leave her in his care. One day when she was not 1 yet, I had her in her big highchair on the large deck he had built out front while I was pulling some weeds and watering. It was a beautiful day, I had put some classical music on for us to listen to and we were both glad to be outside enjoying the weather. He came home and commented on the enjoyment, went to the stereo and put on some rap music. She turns around looking towards the sound with a put that back look on her face. I told him we were enjoying the classical music and to put it back. He refused, she got fussy and I had to just bring us back inside. I was up set while cleaning up, but the Lord stopped me and said: I know you put on the classical music for her to build her brain, I smiled and looked up having felt so seen all of a sudden and then God said, but what she needs is music that teachers her about me. I was like OH, OK. So, later I started focusing on what Christian music I had. The only thing I could think of was in my CD collection I had recordings of the church choir programs my parents sung in and my dad would get a copy to give me. So I dug those out and would play them in the car. Sometime later when we were driving in the car God brought to mind a conversation I had had with my second mom about a Christian radio station in town. I had seen billboards for it but hadn’t ever listened to it before so I found that station to start checking it out. I wasn’t familiar with any of the songs, but its the year of I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me and I thought well if this is the songs people have been listening to I’ve been missing out! We lived in the country so we spent a lot of time in the car. My CD collection grew a lot after that with Veggietales, Adventures in Odyssey, Baby Einstein, Little Einstein, Chick Fil A’s cds in the meal box, VBS songs. God used my first born and music to call me back to him. The miracle of birth to me shows an awesome Creator. When she was little I could still get him to do family things like family photos, trips, getting together with other families, birthday parties. “Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine within your house, Your children like olive plants Around your table.” Psalms 128:3

God blessed us and our marriage. We were able to build a home and improve our property. Me with my credit and physical labor and he with his equipment. Our dad’s helped us to put the house together too, each in their own way. It was something I felt like we were doing together. Building our life. Which I saw as complimentary, each using our abilities for our family. As typical that’s not how he saw it. He used me for what he couldn’t do and then acted like I was a problem. I had caused him problems and so however he acts and whatever he chooses to do is ok. He spent money on cars and junk. Things that made him feel important. One month during the recession that it got so bad that we couldn’t make the mortgage. I went to him to see what he wanted to do about it. He was out at an old junk and ugly pick up he had just bought a new engine that stuck out of the hood. I said, where are you going to park that when we loose our home? Which of course sent him in a rage. I humbled myself to meet with church leaders to ask for the money. I went during break one day while volunteering at VBS. They asked lots of questions about why I need money, are we slackers, addicts and including will you be able to make the next payment if we pay this? I was praying so. It was humiliating, but years later when I sold that home I tithed on the proceeds and the church received a large return on their giving. God is good. I managed all the finances in the home except for his spending. He was allowed to spend whatever he wanted and had no qualms about spending it all. I was allowed to grocery shop to make dinners. I would take what I could for what the kids really needed. Sometimes there was money sometimes there wasn’t. I worked until I started graduate school. I had a new kid with each graduation. I got a job using my degree afterwards and worked for a few years, but he makes it so miserable. He had vindictive fits about having to babysit his kids while I was at work in the evenings. They would be used as threats until I had to quit. When my youngest finished preschool year, I left the work force. I was out of work for 11 years until he died.

One night I was driving home from work by myself, the kids were home with him. God spoke to me and told me he was getting ready to separate me and I would be focused at home. This was so upsetting to me. I was already isolated through lost friendships, no new ones, isolated out in the country, isolated from people in general from a husband who speaks slanderously about me. I rebuttled and told God, that’s too much. I can’t stand that. It was so overwhelming to me I screamed in the car like someone had just died. I cried and I said I’ll work harder, I need this and that, how can you ask me to let go of any independence I have and become financially dependent on him. I was crying. Why would you do this to me? Not a good time to be driving. As I turned down our road, the song O Holy Night had been playing on the radio and I acutely became aware of the lyrics “Till He appeared, and the soul felt its worth.” I’ve heard this song hundreds of times over the years, but I felt that DEEP in my soul. “A thrill of hope, the WEARY world rejoices. I started to sing along chocked up with my thoat sore from such screaming. “For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn’ I started to belt it out singing along “fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices, O night when Christ was born” When I got home he was sitting in his recliner and he smugly asks have you been crying? I said no. He said someone called me and said they saw you in the car screaming and crying. I just walked past unfazed. I had been ministered to by a holy God who sees me, loves me and wants good for me. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Genesis 50:20

I believe God isolated me because during these years I studied His word in-depth. I grew close to him. I spent more time in the old testament than I did with other people. I was learning about the character of God. I knew him as a child, but this was more intellectual understanding, more spiritually mature and unabridged. I knew him as Creator and God most High and Everlasting, but I was learning how much God sees me. I realized He is right here, present with me all along, I just didn’t realize just how close and all involved. God taught me intimately the Lord will Provide and gave me opportunities to exercise my faith over and over. I know Him as the Lord who Sanctifies me, and my favorite; which gets me excited with a rebel yell is The Lord My Banner: Jehovah-Nissi. I know who’s team I’m on. I know who’s battle I want to fight. “For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows this very well.” Psalm 139:13-14

My mom walked in kindness. My dad valued truth. They were not opposites attracting.

Jesus told Pilot that he had come into the world to testify to truth. Pilot asked Jesus “what is truth?” John 18:37-38

Jesus is the embodiment of love and truth. God is love. 1 John 4:b and Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father but through him. John 14:6.

Ephesians 4:¹⁵ Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.

Being able to speak in love and truth makes us like Jesus and mature in the faith and wise I would say.

What is love? Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

John 3:16 NASB1995[16] “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

Romans 5:8 NASB1995[8] But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

John 15:13 NASB1995[13] Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

‭‭1 Peter 3:15 NASB1995‬‬
[15] but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence; (truth and love)

This was a verse in VBS one year when I was a teacher in my son’s class. I have been trying to always be ready to make a defense to anyone who asks about my hope ever since. It takes courage, preparation and experience but most people don’t ask. So, I’m not confident in my ability to do so when the time comes. But the spirt brings to my mind:
But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, Matthew 10:19

As David says in The Bible miniseries “God is with me.”

I have to speak God’s truth. I want to grow to be like Jesus. Like the meme says speak truth even when your voice shakes. My voice and hands shake. My face gets red, my mouth gets dry and all thoughts leave my mind. Im like Moses. Exodus 4:10 NASB1995[10] Then Moses said to the Lord, “Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.”

Jeremiah 20:9 NASB1995
[9] But if I say, “I will not remember Him Or speak anymore in His name,” Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire Shut up in my bones; And I am weary of holding it in, And I cannot endure it.”

I have to speak about my story of knowing Jesus. My trials have strengthened my faith. I have learned that we are hear for others. For all to come into repentance so none shall perish. Im in disobedience when Im not sharing the gospel, my faith and my testimony. James 1:2-4 NASB1995[2] Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, [3] knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. [4] And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” Lacking in nothing. So how could I not share what I know about the Great I Am who loves me and makes me complete, lacking in nothing? This is my life’s greatest struggle. I’m easily silenced by the world. Since I was a kid I’ve been silenced in the classroom, because I talked too much. So now, I have to resist the Jonah temptation when people are awful. But Jonah rose up to flee from the presence of the Lord.

John 8:32 NASB1995
[32] and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”

I get scared though. Not of rejection or insults, but of retaliation and attack. People are so spiteful and petty. Matthew 10:16 NASB1995[16] “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves.Ive gotten to where I struggle with wanting to be obedient to the Lord and wanting wretched people to get what they deserve.

Jonah 4:1-2, 9, 11 NASB1995[1] But it greatly displeased Jonah and he became angry. [2] He prayed to the Lord and said, “Please Lord, was not this what I said while I was still in my own country? Therefore in order to forestall this I fled to Tarshish, for I knew that You are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, and one who relents concerning calamity. [9] Then God said to Jonah, “Do you have good reason to be angry about the plant?” And he said, “I have good reason to be angry, even to death.” [11] Should I not have compassion on Nineveh, the great city in which there are more than 120,000 persons who do not know the difference between their right and left hand, as well as many animals?”

God’s creation needs to know the truth about Jesus. John 8:32 NASB1995[32] and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.”

John 17:17-19 NASB1995[17] Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth. [18] As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent them into the world. [19] For their sakes I sanctify Myself, that they themselves also may be sanctified in truth.” God doesn’t want anyone to perish. 2 Peter 3:9 NASB1995[9] The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance. Im sharing my testimony for repentance. For my own repentance of sin and to encourage others to repentance because it makes us reverent of who God is.

John 4:23 NASB1995[23] But an hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for such people the Father seeks to be His worshipers.

Philippians 4:8 NASB1995[8] Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

I need so much encouragement to share my testimony. A pep talk. Team huddled. I rely so much on scripture, because it’s all I have. I have no friends, acquaintances or church family. I haven’t had friends since I got married. I had friends growing up, I had loving parents and I grew up in the church so how could I have married someone who didn’t love me? Someone who wasn’t even capable of loving me? I knew what love was, how could I have been so blind? I put on rose colored glasses and blind folds. I was raised to think of others more than myself. Philippians 2:3 NASB1995[3] “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;” which is beautiful. Except when I’m the only one in the relationship doing it. There’s nothing like a complete verse, chapter and verse. Verse 1 of Chapter 2 in Philippines says what will make his joy complete: 1 consolation of love 2 fellowship of spirit 3 affection and compassion 4 of the same mind and love 5 united in spirit 6 intent on one purpose. Nope. None of this would describe our marriage. He just mirrored. Said what I wanted to hear. Then sought after the desires of his flesh.

I met my husband at my friend’s boyfriend’s parent’s house my senior year in high school. He was funny. He and his buddy were both shooting their shot. I had never seen him before, but his friend was well known by mine because he was a lady killer. Very lust full. Desireful. Its flattering when you’re young and dumb. I gave my attention to the other guy. Later my husband would tell me that’s not the first time we met. That the first time was at the beach. I didn’t remember. He said yeah he was trying to talk to my group of friends but we weren’t receptive so he said “Bs”. Why would I continue with someone with that story? I love getting to hear “how we met” stories. I often get to hear how we met stories from people who have been married 50, 60, 70 years and it’s wonderful, full of love and respect. My “how we met” story isn’t much better than my husband’s beach encounter. If the roles were reversed I wouldn’t want to be his second choice. He wasn’t really second. I just wanted to date because I never had boyfriends in school. I hadn’t been on a date since middle school. I wasn’t looking for a husband because, I didn’t want to get married until I was 30. When the other guy asked me out on a date I was flattered. I told him I would meet him where he suggested, but he asked if he could come and pick me up and meet my dad. I nervously laughed and said no. If you come and meet my dad you’ll be leaving without me. He said I’ll wear long sleeves to cover my tatoos, I know parents don’t like them. I continued to insist we meet up. My dad would take one look at you with your long sleaves and pants and say absolutely not. I want to go on a date with you, therefore, I will meet you there. The other guy wasn’t interested in a virgin. Also, main interest was money from family. After a couple of months, my interest turned to my husband. Lesson for life- birds of a feather flock together. If you don’t like his friends, he’s not a good match.

When my future husband and I were in the talking on the phone phase; I remember once asking him about his last name because his step dad’s name would show on my caller ID. I had a table phone with top of the line caller ID and call waiting in my apartment near the community college I was attending. I was relieved and intrigued to learn what his last name was. Funny and insignificant how that made me like him more. God already knew we would marry, have two children and the day He would end the covenant. Hebrews 9:27 NASB1995[27] “And inasmuch as it is appointed for men to die once and after this comes judgment, ” When we first met up, I rode with him in the back seat of a truck to a club downtown. I should not have been in the back seat with him. When I realized the situation and became uncomfortable he pulled me close and put my head on his shoulder and said “it’s not like that. ” I was relieved, but shouldn’t have been. He later told me that was his intention but realized it wasn’t mine and that I was uncomfortable. He aborted that mission to look like a gentleman. I wanted to believe that. I think he wanted to believe that. Another time I went downtown riding with him in his truck (this is significant to me, because in my friend group I was known as the driver. I preferred to drive) When we were leaving, we walked out of a club and crossed the street heading towards his truck, but he stopped me and told me he had arranged for me to ride home with someone else because he had to go back inside. I objected because first I wanted to be with him as I went out with him and leaving me was out of my ability to grasp. I’ve heard of the grandmother rule of taking a quarter with you on a date incase your date didn’t work out. I couldn’t believe i was in that situation. As im countering what he’s telling me he’s looking past me and then took off running. The cross walk had turned green and he ran across the street back to the club. I was dumbfounded. The ride he arranged pulled up next to me and told me to get in. All people I knew. People I went to school with and new better than my future husband. The car was already full. There would have been no seat belt and I would have been sitting in a lap and I said no. They asked how would I get home? I didn’t know. I kept standing there until eventually my future husband came back out with one of my friends. He said why are you here, I got you a ride home. I said it was full and why would I need a ride home? You are right here. He needed to give my friend a ride home and they gave me a ride home as third wheel. My sweet little heart could not grasp this level of disregard. Years later he told me it’s because he knew I was not going to have sex with him and she would. I should have never spoken to him again after that night. I’ve said a few times over the years that no one has ever broken my heart like my husband has and this was the first time. When the movie Pretty Women came out, I saw it 7x in the movie theater because friends kept wanting to see it, so I quote it a lot. There is a scene where Vivian tells Edward that her mom would call her a “bum magnet.” That if there was a bum in a 50 mile radius she was completely attracted to him. I wasnt attracted to other guys, but I was completely attracted to my future husband no matter how many times he showed me he didn’t love me, at least not at the level I loved him. At his funeral one of his friends remarked on me that I’ve always only had eyes for my husband. In those days when we would talk on the phone, I asked him if he was a Christian? He said that he had been baptized at his mom’s church. Lesson for life- Baptism makes a Christian not. He went on to say his step mom used to blast Christian preaching at him so he’s turned off. Then, it tugged on my compassion and sense of wanting to show real love of Jesus. Today it makes me think of someone trying to blast the demon out of him. It took me years, but I finally learned he had no respect for anything or anyone and no regard for the safety of others. Especially women.

As Dr Phil says, we teach people how to treat us. I spoke to him again and continued a relationship with him after this utter disrespect and so he did it again and again and again and again.

Matthew 22:39 NASB1995[39] The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’

1 John 4:19 NASB1995[19] We love, because He first loved us.

I had to learn to love myself. How we speak to ourselves matters immensely. The battle of the mind. I waited there with no ride home because I had to know what he was doing. What was so important he would leave me for. He came out with one of my friends. He asked why I didn’t go home with the ride he sent!? I explained the car was full and I came with him. He dropped me off at my apartment. When they pulled away I realized I didn’t have my purse and my keys so Im paging them and neither are answering. I had to go to the office security to get into my apartment. That was humiliating. I don’t remember which of them I got my stuff back from or why I spoke with him after that. My friend, later apologized for having sex with him because she didn’t realize we were dating. Why would she, he certainly didn’t tell her. I couldn’t fathom what she said. I literally pretended that wasn’t true even though she told me so. I wasn’t mad at her. She tried to tell me. I just didn’t want to believe he would do that to me. I thought he valued me. He did not. For the rest of her life she referred to me saying ‘sweet’ before my name. Sweet is what people call someone who doesn’t believe who someone is the first time (or second or third) they show them who they are. His sister does that too. Its an insult. I had never thought of sweet that way before. I think of songs and the saying “Jesus, the sweetest name I know.” He helped me move out of that apartment back into my parent’s house. By this time, my best friend I was living with and wasn’t speaking to me. He was there ready and willing to help me move. I didn’t have anyone else to help me. She got the friends in the break up. I was no longer in the group of friends I had in school. I now only hung around his friends with the occasional mass up of groups.

When I briefly dated his friend. On our last date, I drove him home – because he didn’t have a car or drivers license- he said you’re a virgin aren’t you? Yes. I don’t want to take a girls virginity, it makes them clingy. I thought, no worries, I won’t be giving it to you. I was clingy anyways. Its weird how sometimes Godless people can be more reverent than His people, like the men on the ship to Tarshish. I gave my virginity to my husband before we were married. This was a huge mistake caused by my faulty thinking. I had told myself I don’t have to be married, but he just had to be who I would marry. He took it without any value. At his mom’s house and she came home. I’m freaking out because my parents would have been going in that room to make sure we weren’t doing anything we weren’t supposed to. He kept saying she’s not going to come in don’t worry about it. Afterwards when we were getting ready to go out into the living room he pulled the nice, white sheets down and there was a small bright red drop of blood. I stared in horror. He starts berating: my mom is going to be upset. I’m like do you have stain remover? Let’s strip the bed and wash them! No, no. Some excuses not worth remembering. So we leave the blood stain there per his orders and go into the living room. His mom is on the couch and she sees us and greets me with her friendly and boisterous voice. I was surprised and relieved. She is tickled at how much I like her son stating she could tell by how I was pressed up next to him. That brought my attention to the fact that I was hiding as close to him as I could because I thought she was going to be scary. That’s when I first realized- that he caused me to be afraid of her, so I step away from him. Of, course I dismissed that red flag and so will have to endure that same violating, humiliation tactic many more times to come. In that one act of not bothering to clean/care for something he was able to shift blame to me for when his mom gets upset about the sheets and then I don’t want to go back there. I understand this wasn’t the first red flag, but this was the first red flag that I saw and I ignored it. I realized that he had purposely acted to my demise and his self preservation. However, I ignored it.

This makes my heart break for the girls who were violated and raped as their first sexual encounter. There are way too many worthless men in the world who think stealing and destroying someone’s innocence makes them more significant. This was my choice. My heart breaks for the boys and girls that didn’t have a choice, they were over powered by a selfish abuser. How does that affect them for the rest of their lives? How do they see themselves? How do they trust anyone? Tim Ballard the hero behind the movie Sound of Silence, rescues women and children from sex slavery. Sexual immortality and idolatry go together. The idea that you can absorb someone’s purity and innocence is demonic. There’s only one way to atone for our sins. There’s only one way to be washed clean. That’s Jesus. The idea that a filthy man can rape a youthful or innocent person and they swap those labels is a worthless, deceitful lie. Its absurd. Its twisted. Man looks on the outside, but God looks on the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7. Assaulting someone for power and control is idolatry. Thinking you decide, or are above what God’s laws, commands and Precepts are idolatry. No matter how much power you exert over someone you don’t decide what is good, honorable, right or justified. Society likes to blame victims and so do the perpetrators, but God doesn’t. We all will get what God decides is right. He is slow to anger, but He is just. Whether someone believes God is all knowing and powerful is irrelevant to the fact that He is.

When king David sins and orders for Uriah’s wife to be brought to him to have sex with her, God doesn’t apply any of the trespass to her. David coveted another man’s wife and he had the power to have her brought to him. The penalty for his sins are only attributed to David. She does have a share in the Consequences; as we all share in our spouses blessings and Consequences. David is called a man after God’s own heart because he truly and deeply repented of his sins. It’s unsettling how silent women are in the old testament. I want to hear them express themselves. Whether they blame God or stand firm in their faith. The bible is written by men so maybe like the Seinfeld episode where Jerry is talking to Elaine about writing a script for a woman character and he says: “like right now, I have no idea what you are going to say.” I think feminism started with women saying they will decide who they will marry and if they will have sex or not. Its like they assume they will be arranged to have to have sex with someone they don’t want to and just hope it’s someone they aren’t repulsed by or maybe someone who will provide well. That male oppressive society isn’t how God established the marital relationship. Forced sex violated the Ten Commandments Exodus 20:14 NASB1995
[14] “You shall not commit adultery and Shall not covet thy neighbors wife. As well as: Deuteronomy 22:22 NASB1995[22] “If a man is found lying with a married woman, then both of them shall die, the man who lay with the woman, and the woman; thus you shall purge the evil from Isreal. Today people like to mis reference the bible stating God says to kill the woman but that’s not true. Its both. Furthermore If she cried out, God does not hold her accountable for what she didn’t want to do just the attacker. The victim’s responsibility is to not interalize that. Its all about the offender. There are many instances of rape in the bible and they each have a different motivation and character defect of the rapist. Like the “prince of the land” who SAW, LUSTED and TOOK Dinah in opportunity, daughter of Jacob and Leah. He wanted to KEEP her like a possession he found in HIS land and asked for a forced marriage to be arranged. Tamar, daughter of King David was raped by a brother who was obsessed with her to the point of making himself sick and depressed from trying to suppress his urges and desires. He coveted a virgin, set apart, has he felt inferior to approach her. He received counsel from an evil and shrewd adviser of how to devise a plan so he could have a Surreptitious and voyeuristic watching of her prepare food which will bring her close enough to touch her and force himself on her. Then, once she was in reach of him he overpowered her. He even refused to listen to her suggestion to ask for her in marriage instead of being a fool “because he was stronger.” Afterward, like ever abusive narcissist who thought he was entitled to what he desired he discarded her and “hated her even more” than he previously had thought he “loved” her. Then there’s Levi’s concubine she was gang raped by “certain worthless fellows” of the city in Benjamin because she was offered and thrown out to them because the vile men had surrounded the house wanting to have sex with her master. The foolish men wouldn’t listen so she was ceased and brought out them to do as they pleased so they would not act so wickedly and they raped and abused her all night until sunrise. This is so horrific. The real question is why would God allow that to happen to her? Why does God allow such atrocities? There are some people who are like unreasonable animals. Her “husband” informs all the tribes of Isreal about this evil act that doesn’t happen in Isreal (I mean, they traveled late into night so that they would lodge in Isreal instead of a foreign nation) with a strong message by sending her body parts to them. All the tribes go against the tribe of Benjamin and almost blot it out. The concubine first left her master (playing the harlot by going back to her father’s house) because she was mad (GNB) maybe she was mad because he never defends or protects her, because he never married her. The bible switches from master to husband once he speaks up about the horrific abuse that killed her. At first the owner of the house offered his virgin daughter and the concubine to get them to quit, but ultimately only through out the concubine. That guy was also a Benjamit. Maybe he was killed in the Civil War or maybe he married one of the virgin daughters who was spared when they killed everyone from the tribe who didn’t join in the war against Benjamin. Jeremiah 3:22 NASB1995[22] “Return, O faithless sons, I will heal your faithlessness.” “Behold, we come to You; For You are the Lord our God.

Today we like to help the perpetrators by victim blaming. Its what she wore or how she acted or where she went or she was alone. Blaming the victim makes people feel safe. That wouldn’t happen to me because I wouldn’t do that. Blaming the victim requires nothing from us. Holding the perp can require a lot from us. It can put the abuser’s focus on us and can start to attack us. We can make good safety decisions and habits, but if there is an attacker we could be attacked. We can be highly attuned to safety and still be attacked. like the how Malala said for her to be able to go in the market street, she had to take her baby brother with her. That way she had a male with her. Let’s victim blame. Bathsheba was taking a ritual cleaning bath where David could see her and didn’t resist when the king’s men brought her to the palace. Dinah went to go and visit other women. Tamar did as her father instructed and nursed a sick relative. There were other people present until he suddenly ordered them all to leave. The concubine, did she have any say ever? She kept company with weak men. Blaming the victim only ever helps the perpetrators. “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good me to do nothing.” Or in the concubines case- throw a bone out to the dogs. Disgusting. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented” -Elie Weisel Victim blaming allows people to do nothing, to be silent and not call out sin, abuse or atrocities. Yet, at the same time can pretend we were involved and did something. Instead we need to learn the bible teaches there are worthless men. There are silent people who see whats happening and don’t help. There are tormented people who will do anything to ease it. There are people who are tornados of selfishness who think they are entitled to take anything they want. There are weak, pitiful people who will throw you under a bus to save themselves so they don’t have to fight or be inconvenienced. General safety measures are necessary because there are acquaintances that are secretly coveting and lusting, opportunists who are always looking for the next fleshly pleasure, and people who pretend to care, but absent when you need them.

Both my husband and dad have passed. I wish I could take my son with me everywhere I go but that would be inappropriate at work. Dont become bitter and vengeful. Forgive. Unforgiveness eats you up. Cast it onto Jesus. 1 Peter 5:7 NASB casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. UnForgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. God tells us to forgive because it’s what’s good for us. Ephesians 4:31-32 NASB1995[31] Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. [32] Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. I’ve learned that sometimes I survive wretched people to come to the conclusion I don’t want to be like that. Forgiveness is strength. Its righteousness. 1 John 1:9 NASB1995[9] If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Unforgiveness and bitterness is a sin.

God’s establishment for marriage is one man and one woman. As Mathew Henry stated: “woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.” God made Adam a “helper” suitable for him. That’s the same word used for the holy spirit who Jesus sent at Pentecost. That’s powerful!

My husband never acknowledged my suitableness to help him. He minimized, denied and took credit for all the things I did to elevate him, because he was my husband and I wanted good things for him; because as his wife I share in his good fortune or in his consequences. Daughter, never marry or continue a relationship with a man that you can’t be a helper to. My husband did things I couldn’t support because they were illegal or wrong, but they were very important to him and who he was and what it allowed him to accomplish and how it made him feel about himself and something he enjoyed doing and condemning it was met with retaliation. So I ignored it. We have to live with and endure everything we ignore. If you can’t come beside him and jump in the help him accomplish his work; whether it’s because it’s not a good work or because he’s not working. Walk away. Its never too late to walk away. I told myself, I’m too invested. I put so much into the relationship. I adjust my life. My decisions based on him first. I would lose friends. I would lose out. This is known as the sunk cost fallacy. Abandon ship. The captain doesn’t need to go down with the ship. Especially, when the passenger caused its demise. Some people will sink a ship they are sitting in. Get out.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us” (1 John 1:8 NIV

The nations are all the other countries in the bible besides Isreal. Assyria, Babylon, Cannan, Edom and the Roman Empire. Godless and sinful, because they rejected God. God set up for us to live in fellowship in a garden starting with two people a man and a woman; but the sin of wanting to be our own God got us kicked out. Then, there was family and men as leaders of their families and tribes. Then, a temple for central location for communing with God with leaders of priest, prophets and judges; but the people felt weak and wanted a king like the nations. God warned them against this and spoke to them through his prophets, but as they say in What’s in the Bible the children of Isreal went through cycle after cycle of “repent, repent, snooze. ” Which got them all destroyed save a remnant. My favorite word. Everyone knows how the Nations aka the world sins. Worship of false gods, sexual immorality, greed, coveting

I sin like the nation of Isreal. I put other people as higher authority than the Lord my God. I’ll be busy loving others instead of keeping my eyes fixed on Jesus. It causes me to care what they think, trying to please them. Then, I become a slave to them. Galatians 1:10

am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? or am I striving to please men? if I were still pleasing men, I should not be a servant of Christ.

God had to teach me the hard way not to keep my focus on trying to be pleasing to other women. My mom passed down this sin of wanting the favor of other women of the church. They are not God. Some people will never give you approval. They will have you seeking after their approval for as long as I will stumble, forsaking myself trying to receive it. At best it puts pressure on people to be perfect instead of real and authentic which is where fellowship occurs. At worst I became a slave to approval. Seeking approval to man makes me a reproach to God and he loves me too much to leave me like that.

I would relate this misguided seeking to the scene in Lost Boys 1987 (a vampire movie) where Edward Herrmann’s character says: “Dont ever invite a vampire into your home, you silly boy, it renders you powerless. ” Lesson for Life- don’t give your power over to other people. Sounds like a lesson from an Oprah show, but seeking approval of man is inviting rulership of them over my life and I’m displeasing to God. My pastor Dr Mercer once said in a sermon “Jesus is the only person in your life, who can govern your life, without enslaving you.” I know that’s true. “For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities all things have been created through Him and for Him. Colossians 1:16 NASB

When I was a kid, my best friend down the street was perfect. She was pretty, stylish, had the best toys, lots of friends, her mom adored her, she never got in trouble she was always well put together. I wanted to copy everything she did, just like her little sister. She hated it. I on the other hand was “helter skelter” as my Uncle called me. I talked too much and listened to little. I didn’t sit still. Sometimes I didn’t match. I was often unprepared, disorganized, didn’t complete tasks, but I sure was happy when I was outside. I’m still happiest when I’m outside. I’m so thankful being in nature brings me joy, I needed it like crazy when I was grieving. Enjoying God’s creation brings me closer to my Creator. He created me for Him and His purposes.

Romans 8:28 NASB1995[28] And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Psalms 20:7-8 NASB1995[7] Some boast in chariots and some in horses, But we will boast in the name of the Lord, our God. [8] They have bowed down and fallen, But we have risen and stood upright.

It’s interesting that trust is used instead of boast in some versions. We boast about what we trust in. I would boast about and praise my friends, because I thought they were so great and what I would put my trust in to help me through life. God is a jealous God and he wants my trust, praise and hope. When I continued to want my friends to govern my life. God would let the evil nations over take me. When studying the old testament with Precept they say what is true of ancient Isreal physically is true of us spiritually. My first conquering as consequence for my idolatry was when I started middle school. There was a girl in my class who was smart, she was comfortable speaking in front of the class she was pretty and very cool. I wanted to be her friend. Luke 22:31-32 NASB1995[31] “Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat; [32] but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers.” As Beth Moore said in one of her books I read when she released her books on digital access for free – Jesus let Satan sift Peter because Peter had something that needed sifting! We’ll, God was going to use this first Jezable spirt to sift out my idolatress need for approval of other women and then to strength my brothers.

When we first met, since I was a Christian, I did want to know if she was a Christian. She had Father Abraham answers that her grandmother was a Christian. She would come to church with me, bible camp and even got baptized at my church. She never did develop spital fruits. 2 Corinthians 11:13-15 NASB1995[13] For such men are false apostles, deceitful workers, disguising themselves as apostles of Christ. [14] No wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. [15] Therefore it is not surprising if his servants also disguise themselves as servants of righteousness, whose end will be according to their deeds. When I came to her house one day her mom laughed that I thought she wanted to be baptized because she was a believer. I was sad to realize she hadn’t. I put up with all kinds of abuse from her for years because I had thought she was someone she wasn’t, I thought she was wanting to grow in the faith and mature. I had put so much of myself into the relationship and being her friend was part of my identity. I had to learn to find my identity in Christ. I hadn’t learned from my childhood, Christian friend so God got a bigger stone to throw.

The first time Jezable 1 came to my house we were playing in my room and she shares that she did this really horrible thing. She feels terrible about it and she trusts me enough to share it with me. She doesn’t share it with anyone else. I was so concerned for her and so glad she could trust me to be able to share with someone. She gets angry. One day her older brother was making her so angry she got a knife and chased him with it. In later years what she actually did was immensely worse. When she was done with her dramatization she said now you have to tell me something you are ashamed of since I shared with you something so shameful about me. I immediately had one thing come to mind that thought of when I thought of shame. It wasn’t something I did so I didn’t want to share, but she acted like I was harming her if I didn’t. I shared with her my dad was falsely arrested and questioned about a report a young girl in our neighborhood was flashed. Which I know he didn’t do since it goes against his character. She then went around telling people my dad is a pedophile. My church baptized her.

As Jezables do she accused me of everything and the kitchen sink in the years I knew her. That I wasn’t smart (because I would be pulled for SLD when in elementary school.) That I was a lesbian (she had sex before 14) and I never had a boyfriend for more than a week and was a virgin until I met my husband. Then, a pedophile or rapist. Seriously. I’m not a highly sexual person. I’m not a physical person. I’m not mean or harmful. I don’t have any perverse or unnatural sexual attractions. I barely had any interest. She obsessed about it. Having a boyfriend and guys wanting her was important. I didn’t want that kind of attention. She eventually would turn other people against me triangulation so people would be on her side. That I was judging and harming her because I wasn’t sexually active. Do you see the contradiction? Am I sexually perverse in many ways or am I righteous to judge but unfair to call her out? Guys eat this one up. Have you ever seen guys wear clothing that says “thanks for being a slut”? It uses language a woman would use for another woman, but the man is showing appreciation for getting to take advantage of her promiscuity. Which was probably caused initially by a man who violated her when she was young. By Senior year of high school she would barely speak to me. I was going with my parents to New Orleans to visit my brother in college. I was sharing the exciting news with her and she suggests I go to a palm or tarot reader. I said no way. Im not interested. I was taught well by my second mom. Besides there is no way my parents would allow me even if I wanted to. However, she persisted tempting with the image of finding cool jewelry like Phoebe Buffet in Friends. The spiritual world and battle is real and I experienced it myself in New Orleans. My mom and I were shopping around in the French Quarter and I noticed a tarot shop. It had a narrow wood staircase with a jewelry stand at the top of the stairs and the door was open. I thought wow they really do sell jewelry. Its outside on the stairs what can be the harm in looking for a cool find? As I approach, drawn to it, a lady appeared which made me weary stop walking so she said come in, look at the jewelry like your friend said. I stopped short in terror! The hair on the back of my neck stood up and I became aware of the influence. It got my mom’s attention and she yelled out my name and hurried over to me to pull me away. I said to my mom she was expecting me. My mom said yes, evil is real. Why were you going in there? I explained the jewelry and she said you don’t want that jewelry. I said no I don’t. When Jezable 1 stopped talking to me it was because she and our other 2 best friends with some guys were planning to drive to a town about 45 minutes away where the whole town is full of palm readers, terrot and witch craft. People say it’s spooky as soon as you arrive and so teenagers like to go for mischief. I didn’t want to go. Even though I have a FOMO I was taught to stay away from that stuff because evil is real. The Bible says so too. She said it was fun and spooky and eventually it got scary and the police told them to leave. She told me that the crystal ball reader told her that she had a Christian friend who would harm her. I got so upset that she would believe that over knowing me all the years. She stopped talking to me to really drive the point and be cruel. It broke my heart.

I met my husband, she wanted him to want her, he did. She is beautiful, sexual and had huge boobs. In my wedding video there is footage of her following him around to get close to him. He is aware of the camera and acts like he is having to run away. I didn’t want to believe it. Of either of them. I rationalized she wouldn’t want to have sex with him. She can do way better. When I first met him she was saying she didn’t want to be friends if that was the kind of guy I wanted to be with. He was short, overweight, and had a GED. I went to workout at the gym with her one day since she had been asking and afterwards we went for a run and saw him at a construction site working. He called out and I was excited to see him. She kept going and so i stayed with her. He got in his work truck and drove up to us. She dissed him and I got in. Later she went around saying i got into a work truck with some guy. Eventually, she said she that the reason she was luring him is because one of our besties wanted the attention of her boyfriend. Oh, ok then. I was excited when I was able to actually introduce them to each other. We were in a parking lot and he and I were getting things in the car organized and she took over and he starts chasing her around the car. I went over and ploped down on the curb and told myself don’t be in a relationship with either of them anymore. They did that to me because they both like to betray. It wasn’t their first time or last. I don’t remember what they said “gaslighted” that I ignored what happened and pretended nothing happened with them. I needed to learn to trust myself and not ignore what I know is true, because someone wants me to believe something else and it keeps the status quo. Those separated from God and sexual immortality always go together. My role is to believe people when they show and tell me who they are the first time as Maya Angelo says. While attending community College we were at her parents who were out of town and she had a camera set up in her room and asked if I wanted a threesome with her boyfriend. I said no. Why would you ask me that? Asked myself why I was there? Left her house, done and unbelonging where I had invested so much time.

When we were getting married she asked to be my maid of honor. I was struggling who to ask since I wasn’t close to anyone anymore (red flag) so it was a relief to have that decision made. When getting ready she talked me into buying a veil I had to wear my hair up with because she knew how important it was to me to wear it down. I never wear my hair up because I don’t like my ears. I hate I was able to be talked into something I didn’t want because I wanted to believe she wanted good things for me. When getting ready for my wedding I asked why her hair wasn’t up and she said I don’t want to look better than you and take attention from you on your day. When I walked out of the room she closed the door on my veil and my cousin’s boyfriend had to help release me from the door. When we got to the chapel, my husband was late getting there and she told me it was because my husband didn’t want to come and marry me. She threw her shoe at me when we were taking wedding photos because they were hurting her feet. I felt it hit and then I watched it slide down my gown and stared at it where it laid on my train. I looked up directly at her knowing she is the only person who would do that. (I learned later of who else would do that). A few years later when my first child was born I was in the hospital and checked my phone. I had a voice mail from her. She said I’m home sick today so I’ll just be here all day and available for you to call. No thank you. I was so tired of wanting goodness from someone who had none. Wanting all the love, time and attention to produce fruit, but I had to learn only Jesus can do that. Besides, I had married someone just like her. Same spirit, different body. I have never spoken to her again. She sent a Facebook message after my husband died. She complained to a mutual friend after my mom died that I wasn’t responding to her condolence messages. I told the mutual friend that it’s very nice of her to send her condolences, but that I don’t have to respond. I hadn’t spoken to her in 20 years and I wasn’t about to start now. Lesson for life: I’m weary of people who don’t want me to like someone because toxic people are insulting, acting superior as if others are inferior, they are divisive, triangulate and cause strife among friends. Godless people will pretend and tell others you are a bad person so they don’t have to feel guilty about the things they did to you. “A preverse man spreads strife, And a slanderer separates intimate friends.” Proverbs 16:28 NASB Its interesting how I think her giving me difficult news that he didn’t want to marry me is being a friend and “letting me know what’s going on.” Giving me the truth or telling it to me straight, but I have to watch how someone gives that news. Does knowing it will bring me suffering give them pleasure or do they have compassion and sorrow with me that it will bring me suffering. Jealousy will cause someone to have pleasure seeing you suffer or lose something. I mean her intention was to take him away. Not becaues she wanted him, just to take him from me; because she could. So I wouldn’t have a good thing.

It will take a half dozen more Jezables and a husband to sift me enough to learn to look up from the deceitful distractions and put my faith, hope, and TRUST in Jesus. To stop letting them govern my thoughts and desires and to stop being silent and start speaking the word of God. I learned a lot about Jezable from Jonathan Cahn. The spiritual influence of Jezable on Hilary Clinton and husband Ahab. Revelation 2:20-21 NASB1995[20] But I have this against you, that you tolerate the woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess, and she teaches and leads My bond-servants astray so that they commit acts of immorality and eat things sacrificed to idols. [21] I gave her time to repent, and she does not want to repent of her immorality. The spirit of Jezable is the same whether it’s on the national stage. Or in the life of a minor prophet in a little town that’s insignificant to the national stage. Pastor Mark Driscoll has good teaching on this spirit as well.

A key word for me in a Bible study was UP. Such a small word with such a powerful effect. When we keep our eyes upon Jesus, when we follow him, we walk in the gospel of peace, we walk in the way of righteousness. I confused lifting up others as idols in high places instead of honoring the one true God. Which is easier to do? Talking about Jesus as a person that I have a personal relationship with or picking yourself off the ground when the carpet is pulled out from under me? Talking about Jesus takes much more courage, but I’m grieved to death with slipping around in the muck.

‭‭Acts 10:26 NASB1995‬‬ [26] But Peter raised him up, saying, “Stand up; I too am just a man.”

‭‭Job 14:17 NASB1995‬‬ [17] My transgression is sealed up in a bag, And You wrap up my iniquity.

‭‭Psalms 147:3 NASB1995‬‬ [3] He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.

‭‭Deuteronomy 32:34 NASB1995‬‬ [34] ‘Is it not laid up in store with Me, Sealed up in My treasuries?

‭‭Isaiah 62:10 NASB1995‬‬ [10] Go through, go through the gates, Clear the way for the people; Build up, build up the highway, Remove the stones, lift up a standard over the peoples.

‭‭John 3:14 NASB1995‬‬ [14] As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up;

Ephesians 6:11 Put on (or take up) the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.

‭‭Luke 21:28 NASB1995‬‬ [28] But when these things begin to take place, straighten up and lift up your heads, because your redemption is drawing near.”

This brethren is where we are!

‭‭Titus‬ ‭3:5‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬
[5] He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit,

After I admitted I wasn’t perfect and I needed a perfect savior and accepted Jesus as the rightous one who died as sacrifice for my sins I became justified in the eyes of God the Father. Following this first step of faith- is the sanctification process of becoming more like Jesus. When I was a child I had the faith of a child. When I became an adult I had to rededicated my life to Christ. I confessed my sins, my idolatry, my utter weakness and foolishness. Leaning on my own understanding wasn’t working for me anymore. As Dr Phil says: “how’s that working for you?” Proverbs 3:5-8 NASB1995[5] Trust in the Lord with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. [6] In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. [7] Do not be wise in your own eyes; Fear the Lord and turn away from evil. [8] It will be healing to your body And refreshment to your bones.

The sanctification process is not becoming morally superior to others. The sanctification process is becoming more like Christ Jesus. The moment our feelings turn to pride and arrogance we have put off the breast plate of righteousness due to the belt of truth slipping. When we feel like we are better than someone else and in position to judge and condemn them we don’t have Jesus’s righteousness- that comes from the sanctification process of knowing truth. Jesus is truth John 14:6. Instead we have put on self righteousness and that’s old nature. Our natural tendency before justification. The closer we get to God- holy, righteousness all knowing and powerful, the more humble we get. Ephesians 2:8 NASB1995
[8] For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works so that no man may boast.

2 Corinthians 5:17 NASB1995[17] Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

We are easily deceived, manipulated and fooled into doing Satan’s bidding. All he has to do is tempt with what we want. We start to act like the father of lies rather than the God of love. When we think we are are own God and live by our own standard we play judge and condemn in unjust ways. We reject, shame, degrade and isolate people we deam morally inferior. This is how the learders in the temple were like in Jesus’s day, towards Jesus! They gathered fake evidence of evil “blaspheme” Self righteousness mistreats, hates, violates the rights of those they deam inferior and have not earned the loss of inalienable rights. To exploit them as examples of what evil looks like, but THEY are evil. They have no right to condemn. John the Baptist called the temple leaders a brood of vipers. They were constantly questioning Jesus with trick questions.

Self righteousness is seeking good feelings about ourselves and so we look good to others. So others arent controlling us and we feel in control. Instead when we humble ourselves under the truth of who God is we are upheld with his righteous right hand. Isaiah 40:10. That’s a promise we can stand on fearlessly. I can’t control anything but myself. Self control is even a fruit of the spirit. I’m not going to waste time trying to manipulated people under my control. It’s not what God has called us to do. God won’t ask me about your sins and you won’t have to answer for mine. 2 Corinthians 5:10 NASB1995[10] For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad.

1 Peter 1:6-9 NASB1995[6] In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, [7] so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; [8] and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, [9] obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.

Psalms 66:10 NASB1995[10] For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined.

Isaiah 48:10 NASB1995[10] Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.

Angels the original messengers of God and God’s army are present and active from Genesis to Revelation. Angels are still active today in God’s rescue plan for humanity and helping us in the sanctification process just as the holy spirit is. The first time I saw an angel was when a girl in our neighborhood who was my age about 3rd grade who neither me or my other friends in the neighborhood played with because she was weird. I didn’t know her well at all. She was never out playing with the rest of us. She was the oldest of two sisters. She made a police report that a young man had flashed her and he drove a red car. I witnessed angels when two police officers rang the front door of our home. When I opened it the two officers were more surprised to see me than I was to see them. They asked if my dad was here and I told them yes. I asked them about the many officers behind them positioned across our front yard. They barely looked behind them knowing they didn’t bring more officers with them and more sternly asked for my dad. My dad came to the front door and he left with them. I told my mom about the dark figures standing in strategic positions across the front yard, but the officers said weren’t there. She was crying and she asked me why I wasn’t upset about two police officers coming to our home? I said why would I? My dad wore the same uniform and gun belt they did everyday except his was brown because he was a correction officer in the prison system. My dad was traumatized by the interrogation. Years later, he shared that he said he finally stood up, banged his fist on the table and said I’ve answered your questions, if you are going to arrest me, arrest me already! I was an adult by then and as he reenactmented it he was red face, traumatized emotion. I told him about the dark figures who stood in position. He was shocked and processing. He asked why I never told him that before. I don’t know why, but I told him I told mom. Our church stopped talking to us after that police interrogation. It’s why by the time I was in 8th grade I didn’t know anyone and didn’t want to go to church anymore. My parent’s eventually quit going to church too, but then one day God told them the church needed them and to go back. Soon after this false accusation my dad was in a terrible car accident. He was driving to work and passed in the fog. He was in a comma. He broke 3/4 rib cages and the bones in his face. It looks months for him to recover from that. He said one day afterwards he was driving to work and an angel appeared to him. White light shown all around and him not to fear, that everything will be alright. When my parents returned to the church my dad went up to the pastor to shake his hand and tell him they they were returning. The pastor said: “why would you do that?” My dad and him never got along after that. My dad was still involved with the church as he had been in the church he grew up in with his mother, but it began to wear on him; loosing enjoyment in singing in the chior and servicing as a decon. He always felt as if people were condemning him for that girl’s false accusation. What was he supposed to be embarrassed for? Driving a red car? Having a mustache? Not being above reproach? A false accusation isn’t reproach. He wasn’t arrested or charged for it. He was released after questioning and that was the end of the polices interest in him. But that humiliation tortured my dad for the rest of his life. An accusation isn’t the same as finding fault. When my parents died the parents of that girl still lived in the neighborhood too. The younger daughter lived with them and she said the accuser lives in Miami, is physically beautiful and still falsely accusing men of harming her. The hurt from the rejection of the church is still present. The pastor of the church told me I need to write my book, because they need to hear it. Guilty people without repentance feel no shame. Shamelessness is not righteousness. Wrongfully accused people who don’t fight back with a righteousness indignation shy away with shame as a polite way of not burdening others with such ungodliness. My dad was a gentleman and wouldn’t force anyone to address the situation. So it sat as the elephant in the room.

1 Corinthians 3:13 GNBDC[13] And the quality of each person’s work will be seen when the Day of Christ exposes it. For on that Day fire will reveal everyone’s work; the fire will test it and show its real quality.

1 Corinthians 4:4-5 GNBDC[4] My conscience is clear, but that does not prove that I am really innocent. The Lord is the one who passes judgement on me. [5] So you should not pass judgement on anyone before the right time comes. Final judgement must wait until the Lord comes; he will bring to light the dark secrets and expose the hidden purposes of people’s minds. And then all will receive from God the praise they deserve.

1 Corinthians 4:14 GNBDC[14] I write this to you, not because I want to make you feel ashamed, but to instruct you as my own dear children.

2 Timothy 3:16-17 GNBDC[16] All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching the truth, rebuking error, correcting faults, and giving instruction for right living, [17] so that the person who serves God may be fully qualified and equipped to do every kind of good deed.

Our church didn’t do what God instructs His church to do when maters arise. There was also a minister in the church who wanted it to be true and lead others to falsely judge and condemn just because he didn’t like him. As the meme says: it’s ok not to like someone. It’s not ok to dehumanize and recruit others not to like them.

Matthew 18:15-17 GNBDC[15] “If your brother sins against you, go to him and show him his fault. But do it privately, just between yourselves. If he listens to you, you have won your brother back. [16] But if he will not listen to you, take one or two other persons with you, so that ‘every accusation may be upheld by the testimony of two or more witnesses,’ as the scripture says. [17] And if he will not listen to them, then tell the whole thing to the church. Finally, if he will not listen to the church, treat him as though he were a pagan or a tax collector.

Why wasn’t this confrontation process done? Because it wasn’t a sin against a brother? Than why condemn as a gentile or tax collector? Because it would be a sin against his brothers if it was true because that would mean my dad wasn’t who he said he was. Or wasn’t living a Godly life as he claimed. So then men of the church should have visited him to ask about the incident. Instead they believed whatever they wanted and condemned as they saw beneficial for them.

https://youtu.be/lEFNQE76Us4?si=scU9TS1O8HAAdC4V Brandon Heath Wait and See

Why would God allow this to happen? My dad and us were the only victims. She wasn’t ever even flashed. If you knew my dad you would know he would never do that or force himself in any manner. The suffering didn’t come from the false accusation it came from being exiled from the church. Who did they think they were helping? Her? Other children? We weren’t really exiled as they do in the Catholic church like ive heard about, but condemned to rejection and exclusion from fellowship. Its heart breaking and long suffering.

Psalms 55:12-14 NASB1995[12] For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, Then I could bear it; Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, Then I could hide myself from him. [13] But it is you, a man my equal, My companion and my familiar friend; [14] We who had sweet fellowship together Walked in the house of God in the throng.

I don’t think we ever learned the lesson from this great, and long lasting trial. Except maybe long suffering. A pastor in the church once said that the truth from the trial may not come until heaven. Well, I refuse to continue to live a lie to be polite and considerate to my brother’s and sisters feelings about not repenting for what they have done. Im tired of not wanting to rock the boat. I’d rather walk on water. They believed a lie based on who told them and wanting to be in their discipleship. It wasn’t on facts of the case or witness or even talking to anyone involved. I’m not responsible for what they choose to believe. I don’t want to live condemned so they don’t have to admit they wrongfully convicted in the court of public opinion a man innocent of a crime that didn’t even happen.

1 Corinthians 3:4 NASB1995[4] For when one says, “I am of Paul,” and another, “I am of Apollos,” are you not mere men?

They cared more about appeances. If our church loved truth they would have done what Jesus said to do: to go to him one on one, then with testimony of two or more witnesses for honesty, then to take it before the church. Then the church is allowed to exile. It’s not unbiblical to exile someone who refuses to live by God’s Precepts. It is unbiblical to judge without evidence and condemn without even allowing repentance once confronted. When someone has committed a crime it shouldn’t go unpunished and when the tried crime is proven true it should be known to the church. Even mental illness is not an excuse from punishment for a crime committed. If you do the crime/sin you do the time. This punishment was for not being above a false accusation. Its the crucible. We haven’t learned from the past? We haven’t evolved into more sophisticated understanding of truth? It’s the sin of the Pharisees. The Pharisees didn’t care that Jesus is truth. They cared about their appearances and their reputation and control of the people. This condemnation motivates me to want to testify against blindness and self righteousness. It makes me love truth and want to stand with truth no matter the world’s rejection, because gossip is not truth. Where there is no truth Jesus isn’t there. Gossip requires no foundation. No evidence. Just a desire to use it for your own benefit is what keeps it going. Now, you’ve been deceived, repeating it makes you a liar (abomination), condemning based on it makes you judgemental and it will be measured unto you. Matthew 7:2 NASB1995[2] For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. Wouldn’t you want people to vett what people heard about you? Do you think you are above being gossiped about? Do you just want to align yourself with a person? If that person isn’t aligned with Jesus you aren’t on the side of truth. If that person isn’t doing as instructed in the bible you aren’t on the side of truth. You can draw a line in the sand, but are you on Jesus’s side? “You are always at a disadvantage when you aren’t operating on truth.” -Pastor Mercer

It’s good that today there is a lot of discussion about hurt from the church that made people stop attending. “Church hurt.” Since there is no fellowship or connection the desire to attend a church dies too. People will say they don’t have to go to church too be a Christian and just because someone goes to church doesn’t mean they have accepted Jesus and have the holy spirit. However, we also can’t grow outside of fellowship with other believers. Its a catch 22. as followers of Jesus we have to get over our hurts and forgive those who hurt us. if its a hurt that happened years ago or in another area then we are pojecting that hurt onto people who know nothing about it. We may even be alienating people who are able to relate.

Hebrews 10:23-25 NASB1995[23] Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; [24] and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, [25] not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

Dont you know Satan wants to break fellowship? That’s because when we assemble together we build each other up. That we stimulate each other to do more good deeds and to love? John 13:35 NASB1995[35] By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” When we are gossiping and isolating people than we are crippling the hands and feet of Jesus and Satan is patting himself on the back. 1 Corinthians 12:27 NASB1995[27] Now you are Christ’s body, and individually members of it. There are people who think they get to decide if someone is apart of the body of Christ. The Pharisees thought Jesus shouldn’t be a part of their religion so they had His body nailed to a Roman cross. I can hear these people saying some need to be cast out from our midst, which is something God has commanded; yes but not on hasty judgement. Jesus’s fate was determined by an illegal and fake trial too.

Numbers 35:30 NASB1995[30] ‘If anyone kills a person, the murderer shall be put to death at the evidence of witnesses, but no person shall be put to death on the testimony of one witness.

Deuteronomy 19:15 NASB1995[15] “A single witness shall not rise up against a man on account of any iniquity or any sin which he has committed; on the evidence of two or three witnesses a matter shall be confirmed.

Church, resist the schemes of the devil and he will flee from you. James 4:7. To become like Christ we have to love truth. “For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant. But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil.” Hebrews 5:13-14 We have to want truth to be able to discern good and evil. To grow we have to be in fellowship to grow while learning the full word of God.

When my kids were little I attended MOPS meetings at my church. Its an acronym for Mother’s of Preschoolers. At one meeting the speaker of the day asked us what our life verse is. A verse God had given me as a kid instantly came to mind. I didn’t even know what book of the Bible it was located. I quoted it to someone and they said it was in Ephesians, but that it can’t be my life verse. I thought well, God is the one who gave it to me so it certainly can. I also learned in a Bible study we did on spiritual gifts to serve the church that I have the gift of prophecy and discernment. So the verse goes very well with those spiritual gifts. It is also an important guide in these evil/last days. The verse is the reason for needing to put on the full armor of God.

‭‭Life verse:

Ephesians‬ ‭6:12‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬
[12] For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Thus, Lesson for Life:

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭6:13‬ ‭NASB1995‬‬
[13] Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm.

When I was a kid my best friend and neighbor was also a Christian. Her mom and my mom would ride together to the beach reading the bible on the way. We went to the same church. We would car ride together, have sleep overs. She would play worship music like Sandy Patty, Amy Grant and Carmen. Carmen was my favorite. I learned that Christians quoted scripture like the Son of God and Satan twisted the scriptures to deceive God’s people. Her mom would teach us about the spiritual realm, the end times and rapture. I learned the dangers of ouigie boards, Palm readers and psychics etc. As well as learning about the holy spirit. The holy spirit is with us, in us, guiding us and helping us; so we need to be paying attention. God put her in my life when I was 4 years old as a biblical mentor and eschatology. They moved away when I was a young adult but with social media we are still able to stay in contact and when my husband and parents died she grieved with me and told me about Heaven, which was very much on my mind because of the 5 people in the world I loved the most 3 of them were there! She was such a comfort to me and God sends his people to minister to each other. She is still encouraging closeness to Jesus. John 8:12 NASB1995[12] Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, “I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.”

When I was 10 or so I became very interested in what my spiritual gift was. Sunday school teachers would teach that when we are saved we have spiritual gifts like preaching and teaching. I wanted to learn more about them so I could know what mine was. I asked my mom one day and she sat me down in an arm chair and handed me her bible opened to 1 Corinthians 12 where she had highlighted where Paul lists the spiritual gifts; but nothing spoke to me. None of them jumped out to me. It was discouraging to still not have any answers.

Now, I know what my spiritual gifts are from taking tests and from studying God’s word, but using and exercising my spiritual gifts because of my life verse is a whole different matter. I fear Satan too much and I fear retaliation of people because I know Satan will show up and I to often doubt that God will. I have to remind myself that God is always with me. Matthew 28:20 teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Reminding myself of what God has already done for me. Memorizing His promises. Deuteronomy 31:8 The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

One day I was getting on the monorail at Magic Kingdom during a Night of Joy event. A man in line in front of me had the verse Jeremiah 20:9 on the back of his shirt: But if I say, “I will not remember Him Or speak anymore in His name,” Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire Shut up in my bones; And I am weary of holding it in, And I cannot endure it.”

I got so excited YES! That is exactly how having the gift of prophecy but refusing to exercise it feels like! When I focus on other people or Satan its so weaisom or burdensome. Instead, I have to focus on pleasing God. I have to obey God and speak it and let it out! I’m so used to being silent and refusing to speak of Him that it’s easier to express it in writing. It’s always been easier to express in writing because I can take time to consider what I want to say.

Galatians 1:10 NASB1995[10] For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ.

The point of the gift of prophecy is to 1. edify the church. To encourage, comfort and help. 1 Corinthians 14:3. Christians are to seek to abound for the edification of the church. 2. Prophesy convicts, brings to account and disclose the secrets of the heart to declare God. God revealed to me to edify the church through Psalm.

Ephesians 5:19 NASB1995[19] speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody with your heart to the Lord;

I recognized that my words were not edifying at all. God knows I function best with practical tools to implement, thus using the words in the book of psalms when speaking to be effective in encouraging, bringing comfort and help. The psalms are useful in speaking truth in love to bring conviction and accountability to God. So that we turn from our rebellious, wanting to be our own god and turn towards Jesus. Look up! Now if I would just memorize the psalms. It’s only 30,147 words. I do want to improve my speaking to help others. Build up other Christians. I have to be careful because I have a tendency to idoliz people that I admire. I don’t want to feed people’s ego in their worldly pursuits, flesh or skills. I only want to praise God. I want to use God’s words to strengthen his church to bring glory to God. To use my spiritual gifts to be part of the body of Christ and build up the Kingdom of God. It’s all about God and I want to point people to Him. Repent is usually the message because it produces fruits of the spirit and fruits show we have the spirit of God and live according to God’s Precepts; Repenting when we mess up, as we will do as we grow into mature Christians.

1 Corinthians 14:1 NASB1995[1] Pursue love, yet desire earnestly spiritual gifts, but especially that you may prophesy.

Psalms 1:1-3 NASB1995[1] How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, Nor stand in the path of sinners, Nor sit in the seat of scoffers! [2] But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night. [3] He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, Which yields its fruit in its season And its leaf does not wither; And in whatever he does, he prospers.

Ephesians 4:29 NASB1995[29] Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.

Building 429 Listen to the Sound

The gift of prophecy isn’t valued by people because 1.) it’s usually perceived in a twisted way. Like a soothsayer- someone who can see the future. Which, spiritually twisted as Satan does is like terot readers, crystal balls, psychics. Thats not one of God’s prophets. The gift of prophecy is a prophet of the Lord. A messenger. If the prophet knows what will happen in the future it’s because it’s the message God gave them, usually to warn them. The message is usually repent. The are many prophets in the bible God sent to Isreal to warn them they better start following God’s Precepts or else. God even sent a prophet to Isreal’s enemies. Jonah was a prophet sent to the capital city Ninevah of Assyria. The message: 40 days and Ninevah will be overthrown. It’s a prediction of a future event, but it’s not what the prophet was sent there for. A prophet was sent to let the people of Ninevah know that their actions have earned destruction. God relented concerning the calamity because they all repented. The point of sending the prophet was for them to repent so God can spare His judgement it wasn’t so Jonah can be a soothsayer. Huge difference and actually helpful to the people.

Jonah 3:10 NASB1995[10] When God saw their deeds, that they turned from their wicked way, then God relented concerning the calamity which He had declared He would bring upon them. And He did not do it.

Amos 3:7 NASB1995[7] Surely the Lord God does nothing Unless He reveals His secret counsel To His servants the prophets.

2 Peter 3:9 NASB1995[9] The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.

Deuteronomy 18:9-14 NASB1995[9] “When you enter the land which the Lord your God gives you, you shall not learn to imitate the detestable things of those nations. [10] There shall not be found among you anyone who makes his son or his daughter pass through the fire, one who uses divination, one who practices witchcraft, or one who interprets omens, or a sorcerer, [11] or one who casts a spell, or a medium, or a spiritist, or one who calls up the dead. [12] For whoever does these things is detestable to the Lord; and because of these detestable things the Lord your God will drive them out before you. [13] You shall be blameless before the Lord your God. [14] For those nations, which you shall dispossess, listen to those who practice witchcraft and to diviners, but as for you, the Lord your God has not allowed you to do so. Deuteronomy 18:15-19 NASB1995[15] “The Lord your God will raise up for you a prophet like me from among you, from your countrymen, you shall listen to him. [16] This is according to all that you asked of the Lord your God in Horeb on the day of the assembly, saying, ‘Let me not hear again the voice of the Lord my God, let me not see this great fire anymore, or I will die.’ [17] The Lord said to me, ‘They have spoken well. [18] I will raise up a prophet from among their countrymen like you, and I will put My words in his mouth, and he shall speak to them all that I command him. [19] It shall come about that whoever will not listen to My words which he shall speak in My name, I Myself will require it of him.

Reason 2.) Why the gift of prophecy isn’t valued. People perceive prophets as people who think they are spiritually superior to other believers. Like God talks to prophets only. Not true. The veil was torn in the temple when Jesus died on the cross and we all have access to our high priest. We can all hear from God as we pray and read his word and be guided by the holy spirit the helper. We don’t have to wait to hear from a prophet or go through a priest. What access!! The gift of prophecy is really the spiritual gift combination of faith, wisdom and obedience to the Lord of Hosts. Being a prophet is exhausting. Moses said let me not see this great fire anymore or I will die. Being in the presence of all might God is totally overwhelming. God wanting Moses to walk up to Pharoah after leaving the family, treason, murder of Egyptian and demand he release a million slaves is exhausting to try and rationalize. Jonah being told to go to Ninevah the great city of the Assyrians who terrorize and murder the Isrealites and eventually destroy the kingdom of Isreal. Like what Lord? Do you hate me? Are you trying to get me killed? It feels like anything but superior when God asks me to give a message. I feel inferior. Illequipt. Rejected. Who would want to listen to me? I’ve seen where people have a message for a specific person, which is really personal. God has given that to me, but only like twice in my whole life. The message God wants me to give is my testimony to edify the church. I’m like Lord. Do you hate me? Do you know how many people that is going to anger? Or call me crazy. People want to think what they already believed is true and they don’t want their beliefs challenged because it reveals what they have been doing based on those beliefs is displeasing to God. It reveals need for repentance and reconciliation. They would need to humble themselves, admit the wrong doing and turn to what God says to do.

I lived in my hometown for 45 years and never began to obey God in writing my testimony until after I moved out of my hometown and became single because my husband and both of my parents were gone. 1 Corinthians 7:34-35 NASB1995[34] and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. [35] This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord.

Mark 6:1-6 NASB1995
[1] Jesus went out from there and *came into His hometown; and His disciples *followed Him. [2] When the Sabbath came, He began to teach in the synagogue; and the many listeners were astonished, saying, “Where did this man get these things, and what is this wisdom given to Him, and such miracles as these performed by His hands? [3] Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary, and brother of James and Joses and Judas and Simon? Are not His sisters here with us?” And they took offense at Him. [4] Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his hometown and among his own relatives and in his own household.” [5] And He could do no miracle there except that He laid His hands on a few sick people and healed them. [6] And He wondered at their unbelief. And He was going around the villages teaching.

Jesus couldn’t do miracles in his hometown because they thought they knew better based on what they already knew. “And He wondered at their unbelief.” They would rather think they know better then have miracles performed? They seriously missed out. In the old testament when prophets would go to Isreal with a message they would say don’t prophesy here! Isaiah 30:9-11 NASB1995[9] For this is a rebellious people, false sons, Sons who refuse to listen To the instruction of the Lord; [10] Who say to the seers, “You must not see visions”; And to the prophets, “You must not prophesy to us what is right, Speak to us pleasant words, Prophesy illusions. [11] Get out of the way, turn aside from the path, Let us hear no more about the Holy One of Israel.”

Amos 7:14-15 NASB1995[14] Then Amos replied to Amaziah, “I am not a prophet, nor am I the son of a prophet; for I am a herdsman and a grower of sycamore figs. [15] But the Lord took me from following the flock and the Lord said to me, ‘Go prophesy to My people Israel.’

Deuteronomy 18:18-22 NASB1995[18] I will raise up a prophet from among their countrymen like you, and I will put My words in his mouth, and he shall speak to them all that I command him. [19] It shall come about that whoever will not listen to My words which he shall speak in My name, I Myself will require it of him. [20] But the prophet who speaks a word presumptuously in My name which I have not commanded him to speak, or which he speaks in the name of other gods, that prophet shall die.’ [21] You may say in your heart, ‘How will we know the word which the Lord has not spoken?’ [22] When a prophet speaks in the name of the Lord, if the thing does not come about or come true, that is the thing which the Lord has not spoken. The prophet has spoken it presumptuously; you shall not be afraid of him.

Deuteronomy 13:1 GNBDC[1] “Prophets or interpreters of dreams may promise a miracle or a wonder, [2] in order to lead you to worship and serve gods that you have not worshipped before. Even if what they promise comes true, [3] do not pay any attention to them. The LORD your God is using them to test you, to see if you love the LORD with all your heart.

Jonah’s prophecy to Ninevah came true 100 years later when the people returned to their old ways. The book of Nahum gives the account of it. Jonah was punished until convicted and repented into obedience. When a prophet speaks out of bounds from what God says receives punishment. A prophet of God turns people back to God. God is watching how his people respond to his prophets and if they can be lead astray by false prophets. The body of Christ is responsible for needing the message sent through the prophets. Do you know who the prophet(s) is/are in your church body? Are you listening to them? They are also watchmen. They see God’s work. They see the signs of the times.

I relate to Jonah so much. I just want to run and hide and not do as the Lord has placed on my heart because people are terrible, stubborn and judgemental, hateful, jealous, malicious slanders and gossips. Not wanting to be brought near the holy one. Like the Isrealites who told Moses to go up the mountain himself because being near the presence of God was too much. When Moses came down from the mountain after being in God’s presence he was glowing so much they through a veil over him. I feel like other prophets who stated they would rather die than do what God is asking. It seems so dramatic when they say it, but I would rather sit in the belly of a whale then have to talk to prideful, self righteousness, haughty, indignant, judgemental people who are enjoying a blinding sense of moral superiority. “It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance.”-Thomas Sowell My trouble is that God doesn’t allow us to sit in the belly of the whale. Jonah 2:5-6 NASB1995[5] Water encompassed me to the point of death. The great deep engulfed me, Weeds were wrapped around my head. [6] I descended to the roots of the mountains. The earth with its bars was around me forever, But You have brought up my life from the pit, O Lord my God. Psalms 119:31 NASB1995[31] I cling to Your testimonies; O Lord, do not put me to shame!

I have desired to write out my testimony to teach my children and stop patterns of disfunction where we are not growing spiritually. To speak out against blindness of the church so to build them up and strengthen them. God set me apart long ago and its the only way to communicate with them. As people say if it helps one person… I haven’t been obedient for years because I like Jonah am afraid of the people I have to give his message to. I have a lot to loose and I want to hold onto it. I ease my grip and let go when I remind myself that everything was given to me by God and it’s all his anyway. He also will let suffer in Sheol until I obey. Much more on this to come.

Thirdly, to call sin a sin. To do that I have to speak personally. To show through my story of God’s work in my life. I’ve heard Beth Moore say that people will ask her why she doesn’t recount her childhood sexual abuse for us and she replies because you wouldn’t be blessed by it. I completely agree! I don’t need her to dredge up those nightmares and give details for me to understand that it’s awful. Incomprehensible. Additionally, when someone shares a trauma they have been through, other people feel comfortable to open up to them. It’s usually an unwelcome dump of Additional secondary trauma. They aren’t a professional who is consenting to receive that information. There was an Oprah show one day where an FBI agent who finds child sex offenders was on and they gave a warning that she will graphically describe what physically happens to babies when they are sexually assaulted. I muted my tv because I don’t need to know the horrible details of that to understand that that even exists, or to have compassion for the baby or to feel angered and compelled to fight for justice. Unfortunately the audience didn’t get to mute. And as I’m watching silently her give account of what she has seen first hand she smiles as I imagine the audience begins audibly expressing sorrow and trauma. I’m thankful there are people willing to have that knowledge in order to snuff that evil out, but I’m no more helpful in that cause by listening to it. Hearing Beth Moore recount situations isn’t going to help me prevent myself from childhood trauma. Childhood is long gone and There are plenty of experts who teach how to protect our children from child predators, but that isnt Mrs Moore’s ministry. God wants me to share my personal account in order for others to be blessed. It’s taken me years to obey. I’d rather hide in the belly of a whale.

I’m a very private person because I’m sensitive to criticism from my sin weakness of people pleaseing, holding others opion of me in high places. I’m pro accountability. I’m anti criticism for the purpose of devaluing. I’m pro correction and rebuke for the training in righteousness. 2 Timothy 3:16. I keep things to myself not to hide darkness but to protect goodness from highly critical people who want to destroy. God has had to provide many lessons to instruct me that I have to share personal details I’ve experienced in order for my children and others to understand because it was unimaginable to me until I lived it. It was a lot to process as I was going through it and the trauma it caused wants me to be silent so it will just go away and I can forget about it. But it doesn’t go away until we face it, call it out and put on the full armor of God to fight against it.

Revelation 12:10-11 NASB1995[10] Then I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, “Now the salvation, and the power, and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren has been thrown down, he who accuses them before our God day and night. [11] And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death.

Satan accuses us day and night.

They overcame him by the blood of the lamb and the word of their testimony

I was the second born to two Christian parents. God lead them to our church home before I was born. They where very involved with the church. They found this church family in their new home state far from where they grew up and got married. I grew up in that church and attended from when I was born till I was 45. I accepted Jesus in my heart when I was 6 and was baptized when I was 9. We lived in a home my parent’s bought a few months before I was born near the church. I recently moved away from both my parent’s home and my church home after my husband and then both of my parent’s passed away within 1 year and 10 months of each other. I love the town I grew up in and graduated from high school. I love the church I attended for 45 years, but after they passed I felt like my roots were gone and it wasn’t the same town or church from my childhood and I felt God calling me to move. It was a big change and one I was happy to obey.

Growing up I was in church every Sunday morning and Wednesday night. I loved church. I loved attending VBS every year. My friends were all from church and families of my parent’s friends. I knew the bible as much as a kid is taught. It was sugar coated for kids. I was familiar with bible stories and people in the bible. I could see God’s standard lived out in most of the people around me. My parents, other couples in the church, my friends. I knew the 10 commandments. I loved to be in the plays and sing about God’s word. I hated memorizing scripture in GAs but for the most part I knew God’s standard. My mom liked to retell the story of when I was saved. We were driving in the car and I was pretty much lamenting that other people knew Jesus better than me and that I want to know Him too and I want him to know me. My mom pulled over right then, “in front of Mrs Kings house” and she asked me if i wanted to pray the sinners prayer so I can have a personal relationship with Jesus. I said yes! I felt so seen that she had heard my lamenting and responded so seriously. I prayed repeating after her. As we started driving again I wondered what Jesus was going to do to get to know me. My 6 year old egocentric self couldn’t even begin to understand how God and Jesus already knew me, loved me and had already done so much for me and had plans to prosper me.

Psalms 139:1-6 NASB1995[1] O Lord, You have searched me and known me. [2] You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. [3] You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. [4] Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all. [5] You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. [6] Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it.

For you formed my inward parts: You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thaks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:13

Heaven and my mom rejoyced that day as I wanted to know and follow Jesus. Another life experience that drew me to seek Jesus was when a family in our church who my parents were friends with and had kids mine and my brother’s age had a tragedy when the father committed suicide. It was shocking, disbelief. What? The middle school minister at the time gathered us, my best friend and her family and Another family with kids our age and we all went to Pizza Hut to “love and support them.” I loved going to Pizza Hut and we often went with one of the families there that day for lunch after church on Sundays. That day was solomn. We just sat with them in shock, disbelief and sorrow. It was hard to think about what they must be feeling because they had to endure something that was so awful, overwhelmingly heavy and it was through no fault of their own. Nothing they did to cause it. Nothing they could have done to prevent it, but now they had to endure it. I didn’t know that sitting with them and eating with them, gathered together for them could be so important in blessing them with comfort. I’m glad the middle school minister did. I learned later this is known as ministry of your presence. The major lesson I would need in my life would come from watching the widow, their mom. Wrongfully, our church as a congregation in general rejected this family. Not allowing their kids to play with their kids, not supporting a widow. I saw her seek Jesus with hunger due to so much pain and trauma. I got to be a witness to what God did for her because my parents were a friend to her. They didn’t foresake her. I got to witness the peace that surpasses understanding. She was given provisions. He strengthened her and comforted her. She was blessed for her faithfulness. After my parents died she told me many times how my parents were there for her in dark times and her friend. She became such a blessing to me when my husband, dad and then mom died. She was there for me when my parents couldn’t be and I knew she would be able to understand and she was there for me. That’s the church. God sends his people to help each other in our times of need.

When I was a young teenager I chose to walk away from God and church. I remember the day in 8th grade I was at the library with friends on a Wednesday for school and I was begging my mom to stay instead of leaving to go to Wednesday night church. She had grown so tired of pleading with me to go she said yes and that she wouldn’t make me anymore. I was so excited, but deep down I knew that had broken her heart and this was not good. But, I had grown apart from the church and didn’t even know a lot of the people anymore and they didn’t know me. My friends were at school now. My church wasn’t there for me anymore. I wasn’t fed through relationships anymore which is how I met Jesus and learned about Jesus. To me church without the fellowship was nothing. I went where there was interpersonal relationships. It didn’t matter to me then they weren’t based on Jesus as long as I was included. The problem was, the church had walked away from me before I walked away from the church. the church became a cold place to go.

After I had accepted Jesus as my Savior from myself I wanted to get baptized. I went down front with my mom during Sunday morning service’s call to the alter a couple of times and the pastor would say I wasn’t ready. I’m sure I had difficulty expressing myself, but all I knew was my belief, calling out to Jesus and wanting him to be Lord was not believed and next steps denied. I wasn’t baptized until 3 years later when I was 9. That was a sore spot in my heart.

Romans 10:13 NASB1995[13] for “Whoever will call on the name of the Lord will be saved.”

Later, in high school my heart got to a place where not just church was empty to me but so was God. I was sitting on the floor of my best friend’s bedroom and I told God he wasn’t enough. That I could fill my life better than He could and I didn’t need him. I had stopped living for God a few years earlier so I don’t know why I would think I’d be walking on a path of blessings. To know God we have to seek him. Matthew 7:8 NASB1995
[8] For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. I was an ungrateful, rebellious fool. I believed that same old sorry lie from the garden of eden that God is holding out on me and that it is a delight to my eyes to do what I think is best. I thought you don’t want to know me and your church doesn’t want to know me I don’t want to be bothered with wanting to know you. Though I now had wanted to be the God of my own life, I never could deny that God is God. God was like see you soon prodigal.

1 Corinthians 15:33 NASB1995 Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.

My life got so much worse after that. My friends at the time liked to drink alcohol, smoke and dabble in recreational drug use. I desperately didn’t want to be left out. I idolized them. My friends wouldn’t tell me things because they said i wouldn’t approve which made me want to align with whatever they did so I wouldn’t be left out. They were also pretty boy crazy. I couldn’t lower my standard on boys. I’ve never been boy crazy. Sexual sin is not my sin weakness. It wasn’t a temptation for me either. I remember telling them one day when being asked if I even liked boys? That the only lowering of the standard of no sex outside of marriage that I would do is: that I don’t have to be married to him- he just has to be who I would marry. As Bart Millard would say in his book I Can Only Imagine- remember this for later.

The arduous journey back from this disasterous detour was long, with lots of suffering from self inflicted consequences and trials for growth; but for my good. Romans8:28. My mom told me- later in life, that God had said to her that I “would not always be like this.” The journey I had to take was one of self love. I thought so little of myself. Not how God saw me at all. I didn’t think I was pretty, or had good style, I didn’t think I had any skills or talents, I didn’t think I was smart, I didn’t think I was witty. I thought my friends were all of these things and I admired them so. Idolized. When focusing my thoughts on my friends instead of God I couldn’t develop into what God made me to be. I had been doing this my whole life and I needed to learn to LOOK UP.

I’ve learned idolizing and insecurity attracts people who self-hate even more than I did. Who cope through insulting, belittling and casting their negative thoughts of themselves onto me. Which I easily accept due to low self esteem. They usually hate themselves beyond what we can see, because they know what they’ve done in the dark and we don’t. In the self loathing people I attracted it presents itself as prideful, arrogance with a smile and a false offer of help and instruction, and I thought I desperately needed instruction. Sounds like that old serpent in the garden, did God really say? I was right in that I desperately needed help and instruction I just received it from all the wrong people. I coped with my poor self assessment with trying to please those who had attributes I thought were strong and courageous. I needed to look to Jesus. UP

Hebrews 12:2 GNBDC[2] Let us keep our eyes fixed on Jesus, on whom our faith depends from beginning to end. He did not give up because of the cross! On the contrary, because of the joy that was waiting for him, he thought nothing of the disgrace of dying on the cross, and he is now seated at the right-hand side of God’s throne.

Unfortunately, I didn’t learn this lesson until after I got married. I fell in love with a guy and I had never been in love before. He said he had been baptized and believed in Jesus. I thought he was all the things he said he was. I thought he had all the strengths where I had all my weaknesses. This is known in toxic relationships recovery groups as mirroring. They say they are all the things you love and admire. Then, eventually the mask starts to slip and the true nature is seen. After years of living with a mentally and emotionally abusive person, years of studying human behavior and gaining wisdom from God through the study of His word. I have learned to recognize these character traits. I didn’t learn this from my parent’s or in bible school. I learned it the hard knocks way and so I am teaching my children. I’m sharing my experiences to teach my knowledge, understanding and wisdom I’ve gained through suffering and then walking with God. So they don’t repeat it.

My mom got me into bible study after I finished my masters degree. She said “you are done with school, now you can study God’s word.” My faith caught fire like never before. I have a bachelor’s in psychology and a master in social work. I loved studying human behavior and helping others. I enjoyed studying it very much! Studying God’s word with Precept Bible study and Kay Arthur excited my brain even more than the study of psychology did. It also renewed my mind, comforted my spirit and gave me wisdom that I was so lacking. It gave me my foundation back. God loves me. Never foresakes. He equipped me to raise my children to know Him and to be a good wife in a bad marriage. My parent’s had a marriage with a strong foundation. They were both Christians and followers of Christ. They put each other first. They prayed together, sang together, served together, raised their children together had the same friends, were faithful to each other, but I didn’t have any of that with my husband. Having parent’s with a good marriage didn’t mean I would have one and having saved parents didn’t mean I would be saved. That came from my own journey, my own decisions and my own growth based on what I was taught, how I thought of myself and what I learned beyond what my parent’s taught me. All the other influences in my life God uses to draw us to Him. It’s that reckless love God pursues us with that Corey Asbury sings about. Growing up in the church doesn’t mean we will grow closer to God. Seek and you will find

Lesson for Life:

We are not saved by our parent’s faith.

But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to where he was baptizing, he said to them: “You brood of vipers!^g Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath?^h 8 Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.ⁱ 9 And do not think you can say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’^j I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. 10 The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.^k Matthew 3:7-10

‭‭Romans‬ ‭5:12‬
[12] Therefore, just as through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned—

For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive. 1 Corinthians 15:22

God Has No Grandchildren – Answers in Genesis

Isaiah 8:2 NASB1995
And I will take to Myself faithful witnesses for testimony, Uriah the priest and Zechariah the son of Jeberechiah.”

Luke 22:71 NASB1995 Then they said, “What further need do we have of testimony? For we have heard it ourselves from His own mouth.”

Big Daddy Weave “My Story”

https://youtu.be/1TKAN-nAsu8?si=ksMLZp2dXXYj87mv

John the Baptist is my favorite Christian